


Dependent, A Divergent Rewrite

by Volixagarde



Category: Divergent (Movies), Divergent - All Media Types, Divergent Series - Veronica Roth
Genre: Brotherly Affection, Brotherly Angst, Brotherly Love, Coming of Age, Dick Jokes, M/M, Multi, Other, Same Year as Tris, headcanons galore
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-06-01
Updated: 2020-11-29
Packaged: 2021-03-03 01:54:13
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 11
Words: 42,085
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24496783
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Volixagarde/pseuds/Volixagarde
Summary: Inspired by SawsbuckCoffee and other author's headcanons.My name is Crimson Glynn, and I'm not a girl. For years, I've kept all of my step-brother Ash's secrets, and he's kept mine. He's transferring to a place I know I won't succeed in, but it's okay, because I'll get to see him smile again.
Relationships: All Canon Relationships Intact
Comments: 5
Kudos: 6





	1. Chapter 1

My name is Crimson Glynn, and I’m not a girl. Everyone assumes I am, and I understand why. I was born with two X chromosomes, and thus given a feminine name. While Mom doesn’t require it, there’s an unspoken expectation that I keep my red hair long so she can braid it in the mornings. Some days, it’s the only time we see each other, so I understand her desire for one guaranteed moment.

My parents don’t know that I’m a boy. I don’t intend on telling them, not yet. Here in Erudite, we’re expected to cast aside personal matters to work towards the community. We’re not as bad as Abnegation about it, since we still allow ourselves indulgences in the moments of peace, but there’s always work to be done, things to be improved. Something as “insignificant” as my gender issues would just distract them.

The only two people who know about my gender are my step-brother Ash and my therapist, Miss Dawson.

Ash was the obvious choice to tell. He’s my brother, and we keep each other’s secrets all the time. I know all the people he’s kissed (he has a serious thing for Dauntless kids who could snap his neck), all the tests he’s cheated on, all the times he’s sneaked out in the middle of the night to jog because he can’t sleep. He knows what few secrets I actually keep, so it’s natural that he holds this one.

With Miss Dawson, it took me a while to open up to her. I was initially referred for anxiety, like many other teenagers (especially members of Erudite, for understandable reasons), but over time, it became obvious that I needed to tell her about what had really been weighing me down. She was understanding, and explained that I wasn’t the only one going through gender dysphoria. She couldn’t disclose who else due to privacy concerns, and she warned me that many people wouldn’t understand.

If I choose to stay in Erudite, I’lleventually be able to fully transition. The technology isn’t here yet, since after the wars that ruined most of the world, a lot of “non-essential” technology and medical advancements were lost. However, a team is getting close to synthesizing the necessary hormones. It would be risky, as test subjects would be few and far between, but it’s hypothetically possible that I could be indistinguishable from someone born with XY chromosomes before I turn 30. 

If, that is, I choose to stay in Erudite.

A choice I’ll have to make tomorrow.

To say I’ve been mulling over it for a long time would be a complete understatement.

Candor was already out a long time ago. While I can appreciate the emotional honesty I see from everyone (and wish I could have for myself), the career choices are limiting. I could study law, and that’s basically it. Accounting, I guess, but that’s an option in Erudite as well.

Abnegation’s out as well. I understand why selflessness is a desirable trait, but to the extent they’re expected to uphold? No way in hell. They blend into the background, wearing nothing but grey and owning nothing. While I don’t have much ambition, the idea of spending all my time working with the factionless and living a quiet life just bored me. Plus, given the recent reports of abuse… yeah, absolutely not.

Dauntless is the other end of that spectrum. They’re wild and loud, and every moment seems to be a blast, but from everything I’ve heard, their training is brutal. Of course, no one’s supposed to talk about a faction’s Initiation ritual, but I’ve heard all kinds of things, from throwing knives at each other to literally facing your worst fears. People die there. Like, a lot. And young. I don’t think I could keep up with that kind of life.

Then there’s my home, Erudite. I could do a lot here. The faction’s good about having a wide variety of paths for people to study, from practical like engineering or science, to more entertaining ones, like classical music. Of course, it was expected that someone going into an entertainment field could also do math, but everyone could appreciate talent and dedication to any craft. I’ll be able to study whatever I want.

Botany’s my passion, sort of. I love looking at plants, watching them grow from seedlings to beautiful blossoms. The science behind it’s interesting, at least more than other fields. Plus, botanists often got to visit Amity and do field work, and that sounded amazing.

But then, why have the middle man? Why not just join Amity?

Amity doesn’t require skills, at least nothing you couldn’t learn while you were there. You work in the fields, harvesting and tending to crops, or you work with the animals, or fix machinery. It’s all hard work physically, sure, but there’s nothing mentally taxing. It’s simple, repetitive, and perfect. Everyone I’ve met from there is incredibly happy there, and I’ve been in love with the faction since the first field trip my class took when we were in our first year. We’d gone out to the blueberry fields to learn about how plants grow, and then we could harvest and eat as many as we liked. I had so many that I threw up, and then immediately went back for seconds. Ash still teases me every time he sees me snacking on them.

But if I leave for Amity, I won’t see my parents very much. Staying attached to your family after you transfer factions is discouraged. Faction before blood, and all. But I still love my parents, more than most people expressed in Erudite. Mom especially has managed to stay warm and loving despite all her hard work researching various medicinal compounds (lately, she’d been studying serums to help with minor vision loss), and given what my friends say about their parents, that was incredibly rare. My stepdad tried his best, but he was swamped with work, and constantly stressed out of his mind.

There was also the fact that I’m not always nice. Sure, I can be polite, and try to stay positive, but my inner monologue is a constant stream of bitching. Bitching about homework, teachers, random students around me. I’m kind to people, but I don’t always want to be.

And I have to decide where to go tomorrow. 

I won’t be guideless. After lunch, we’ll be taking our Aptitude Test, and I’d hopefully have answers as to where I would be best.

My mom always told me to think with my heart, but make decisions with my brain. Honestly, neither have any idea what they want.

The class bell rings with a start, and I hadn’t realized how long I’d been zoned out. Ash wakes up in the seat next to me, his disheveled black hair covering his steely grey eyes for a moment as he stretched.

There was no way Ash is staying in Erudite. He’s smart, sure, but he doesn’t have the motivation to make it. We both know it. He’ll most likely go to Dauntless, and the thought scares me. We’ve been best friends ever since our parents moved in together when we were three, and he’s been the best brother I could have asked for. Sure, he was a dick sometimes, but we’re 16.

16 really isn’t the right age to make life altering decisions. Studies have shown that the brain isn’t fully developed until 25 or so, but it’s a tradition that had gone for well over a hundred years, so I just have to go with it.

As we walk to class, a couple of Ash’s friends come up and started talking to him, ignoring me completely. It’s fine, I don’t really like them anyway, not even enough to remember their names. They’re a couple years younger than us, and even though they were incredibly smart, they act like idiots. Erudites should know better. I don’t think Ash likes them much either, but they only ever bother him after Faction History, and he’s usually still waking up from his nap, so he doesn’t have the energy to tell them to fuck off.

"Hey, Ash, wanna join in this game we’ve been playing?” The brown-haired one (Jason? Jacob? Something like that) asks.

“Hmm?”

“Yeah, we’ve been seeing how many Abnegation students we can knock over before a teacher catches us. Jeremy thinks we can’t get past five, and we’re already at three.”

“That’s rude.” I honestly don’t mean to say it out loud, but it just slides out.

Jeremy looks at me and sneers. “What are you, some kind of Stiff Hugger? ‘That’s rude.’ God, Ash, your sister’s such a buzzkill. Why do you even let her follow you around, anyway?”

Ash doesn’t respond. It’s very likely he’d fallen asleep standing up. I can’t think of the last night he had a good night’s sleep.

“Oh, hey, there’s a good mark. Jiao Drina, that girl from English.” The one that wasn’t Jeremy points to an Asian girl, quietly walking along the edge of the hallway. clutching her books to her chest.

“Hmm? What’s going on?” Ash mutters.

“Hey, you want the honors? We’re knocking over Stiffs.”

Ash just blinks slowly.

“Ugh, fine. Jeremy, let’s go.”

Before I can say anything, they walk by and trip her over, laughing as her books spill to the floor.

Instinctively, I run to help. She scrambles to gather (and hide?) the scraps of paper, so I grab a few that had fluttered further away. I don’t mean to snoop, but as I pick one up, I notice they’re… drawings? The one I have in my hand is a building. A church? Maybe, I’m not sure what churches in Abnegation are like. It’s good too, like she’s been practicing for years.

“Damn, you’re good at this.” I comment as I hand them back.

Her eyes widen. “Please don’t tell anyone about those, miss!” She hastily grabs them back, shoving them in her folder.

“What?”

“D-drawing is self indulgent.”

I narrow my eyes. “So your faction doesn’t even allow you to do anything fun? God damn, your faction is fucked.” I shake my head and sigh. She’s probably too young to transfer. “Once you turn 16, get the hell out of there.”

“What? No, I-“

“Jiao!” A boy my age frantically runs up, out of breath by the time he arrives. “Are you okay? I heard people laughing about someone being tripped, and I-“ He looks up at me, a protective glare in his eyes that only a brother can have. “Did you do this?”

“No, Shui! She helped me.” Jiao squeaks out.

His expression seems to soften. “Uh, well, glad to know at least someone in Erudite is kind. Thank you, miss.”

“It’s no problem.” And I have to walk away, because if I get called Miss one more time, I’m going to scream.

0-0-0-0-0

The clock softly ticks in the background, just like it always does in Miss Dawson’s office. She always offers to quiet it, as it bothers some students, but it’s nice for me. Brings me back into the real world when I get trapped inside my mind.

“So, Mr. Glynn.” She’s the only person to call me that, and it always makes me so unreasonably happy. “As you’re aware, today is our last meeting. If you remain in Erudite, I have a few colleagues I can refer you too that are more experienced with the issues you face.” She looks at me expectantly.

“I’m still not sure where I’m going to end up, honestly.”

Miss Dawson smiles a little. “That’s perfectly normal, Crimson. Do you feel that the Aptitude Test will help you make your decision?”

I shrug. “I mean, I guess. If it says I should go to Amity, I will, but I don’t know if I’m nice enough for that. You know how much of a bitch I am.”

“Just because you think mean thoughts doesn’t make you a mean person. Perhaps, by joining, you could unlock an inner kindness within yourself?”

“Yeah, maybe. I don’t know. Guess I’ll figure it out tomorrow.” I give a shaky laugh. “Ash still isn’t sleeping well.”

“Didn’t you mention at our last session that he was taking a new medicine?”

“Gave him nightmares. Besides, he wouldn’t be able to take it with him when he transfers, so there’s no point.”

“Ah, yes, you’ve mentioned his likelihood to transfer. Where is he going, again?”

“Dauntless, probably. Even though he acts like a Candor smart-mouth when he’s fully awake.”

“I see. And do you feel that’s affecting your views on transferring?”

“It’s weird. Like, I know our paths are going to diverge, even though it still hasn’t really sunken in yet, so I don’t feel like I have to stay here for him, but if he goes, then should I stay to keep our parents happy?”

Miss Dawson adjusts her glasses slightly. “I can’t answer these questions for you, Crimson. They’re for you alone.”

“I know, I know. I’m not expecting an answer.” Even though I’d like someone to just make the decision for me. God, that would make things easier.

There was a moment of silence before Miss Dawson continues. “Is there anything else you’d like to discuss.”

“Uh, not really? I don’t know, the general stress of being called Miss is getting to me, but hopefully that’ll pass. You know how it is for me. Phases of being super bothered, then not caring a whole lot. Let’s see. Oh, you know those underclassmen who always hang around Ash?”

“You’ve mentioned them. Jason and Jeremy?”

“Yeah, those two.” How’d she remember their names when I can’t even do it? “Yeah, apparently they’ve been just randomly shoving Abnegation girls down.” I roll my eyes. “They tripped this one girl, and her stuff went everywhere, and I went to help, yeah? And like, he has these really detailed drawings, but when I tried to complement her, she begged me not to tell anyone.” Wow, guess I failed at that. “How fucked up is that? A kid’s not even allowed to draw.”

“Every faction has their rules.” I can tell Miss Dawson agrees with me, though. Or maybe I’m just projecting.

“I know. Still screwed up. She looked like I was about to hit her or something.” I shrug. “I just feel weird about it.” I don’t know what else to say. If I talk more about transferring, I’ll just go in circles, and Miss Dawson basically knows everything going on. “Hey, mind if I just start telling you funny stories for the rest of the hour? I don’t think I have anything else to have a productive conversation about, you know?”

“If that’s how you’d like to end off, then go for it.” 

0-0-0-0-0 

My last class before lunch (and there for, for the rest of my life, if I didn’t continue my education with Erudite) os Ethics and Philosophy. It’s an elective, though I honestly feel like everyone should take it. Most electives tend to attract only one or two factions. Erudites like to take every class they can and broaden their horizons, so you can usually find at least one in every class. Amity members end up in art and music classes, though many take Biology courses as well. Candor often take law and history classes in order to prepare for their initiation. Abnegation kids often use their elective periods to help prepared packaged lunches for students and office workers. Dauntless members take a lot of physical ed classes, and surprisingly enough, chemistry. Though, that one’s probably because Mrs. Surrett has a tendency to let students experiment with, ahem, reactive substances.

Ethics and Philosophy, however, has a mix of students from all factions. It’s one of the rare classes that was participation based only, so assuming you show up, you passed. However, even though a lot of students take it as an easy Pass, most students end up loving it. We discuss various ethical issues, from current events to hypothetical scenarios, and getting to hear opinions from all five factions is beautiful.

Ms. Garnett is a wonderful teacher. She often asks questions to students after they give their opinions, not to make them feel stupid, but to understand why they feel that way. She herself is an Erudite (as most professors are), but openly talks about how her Candor upbringing affects her. She makes it known that no one faction has all the answers, and that for our society to function, we need to listen to one another and think critically about what we’re told.

She was one of the few people who outwardly believes that all of Erudite’s writings about Abnegation are propaganda. I’m honestly surprised they let her teach.  
When I get to class, Ash is taking another nap at his desk in the inner ring. I sit in the desk next to him and lightly shake his shoulder. “Class is about to start, you know?”

He just kind of shrugs. Oh well, he usually wakes up by the time group discussions start.

“Hey, guys!” Myra says as she sits down at the desk next to me. “Our last class ever. Weird, right?” She’s nice, with a positive attitude that’s only rivalled by Amity girls. Is that where she belongs? If I was to go to Amity, it would be nice to have her with me. We aren’t close friends, exactly. We never hang out outside of class, except for the occasional group study session, but I’m sure I could be her friend if I put in the effort. But she already has a large friend group, plus she’s dating the strongest boy in Erudite, so she probably doesn’t need me.

“Yeah, it’s something.”

“Hey, Ash, you awake?” Myra asks, chewing on her pen a little. She’ll end up getting lipstick on her pen again, and end up wiping it off in a few minutes. This always happens.

Ash gives a thumbs up, then holds up four fingers. I’m not sure how he plans to be fully awake in four minutes, but whatever.

The bell rings, and a small group of Dauntless shuffle in before Ms. Garnett stands up. “Attention, class!” She’s smiling really big. “I’m happy to announce that you all have officially passed! Today is completely optional, so if you’d like to leave and think over your decisions, just be quiet as you leave.” About half of the Dauntless who came in late get up to leave. “For those who stay, we’ll be having an open discussion about Choosing Day.” Good. Maybe I can soak up some wisdom from others. “My first question for you all is ‘What would make you transfer?’”

There’s a couple moments of silence before an Amity girl pipes up. “Aptitude Test results!”

Ms. Garnett smiles. “Of course. But are there any other reasons?”

Caleb, the only Abnegation student in our class, raises his hand as he speaks. “To transfer for any other reason would be selfish.”

One of the Candor members, Peter, scoffs. “Fuck, Stiff, not everyone cares about that shit.” If he wasn’t such a dick, he’d be handsome.

“Language, sir.” Ms. Garnett says, like she’s had to a thousand times. “If you’re going to speak out, please contribute to the conversation. What would make you transfer?”

“Easy. My faction’s a bunch of stuck up losers.”

The conversation devolves into how reliable can the Aptitude Test even be. None of us know how it works, but I do understand how a simple test could feel insufficient. I’m tempted to leave, but then Myra speaks up.

“What about transferring to be with someone you love?”

I know she’s talking about Edward, and the thought of Myra Madison punching someone almost makes me laugh. But then, it hits me. I could transfer there too.

I look over at Ash, and he’s fully awake, sharp eyes following the conversation. I haven’t seen him smile in years, not truly. Sure, he laughs at the jokes our friends Will and Sebastian make, but a true smile? Not since he got braces when he was twelve, and by the time they came off, the pressure of Erudite had cracked him.

If we transfer to Dauntless together, I’ll get to see his smile again.  
0-0-0-0-0

A/N: Hiya! I'm back, and this time with a rewrite. I didn't like the way my old story was going, and I figured instead of editing it, I may as well rewrite it. As I've read other fanfics, I've realized that the Divergent series as a whole has incredibly lazy worldbuilding. I was invited to join a Discord server where we discuss the series and our fanfics, and lemme tell you, I've absorbed a lot from it. If you too would like to look at the series with a critical eye, our invite code is YXGZ88X. Be warned, there are spoilers for mine and other fanfics, so tread with caution. 

Special shout out to PraiseBees and Ceric for making the Divergent world feel rich and alive in their fics. They've both been a huge source of inspiration and given me a new love for what the series can be.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2

My head is spinning by the time we get to lunch. How have I not thought of this before? I'd always assumed our lives would diverge from this point, but now it seems so obvious that I can just stay with him. Dauntless will be hard, sure, but all factions have their challenges. And the Dauntless seem so carefree, living every moment to its fullest.

We sit down at our usual table, and our best friends Will and Sebastian are already there.

"I still find it weird that Abnegation members can't have soda." Sebastian comments after acknowledging us. 

"Is it time for another round of 'why Abnegation sucks?'" Ash smirks as he opens up his lunch. The cafeteria's quieter than normal, since the underclassmen were sent home early. 

"Oh, I've got a good one. I helped this Abnegation girl earlier after a couple of underclassmen knocked her over, right? And she had a bunch of drawings, but she begged me not to tell anyone that she drew."

"Studies show that drawing actually helps students focus, you know?" Will says. "So it's illogical for them to forbid it."

Ash scoffs. "They don't want their children to do well. They want them to be completely average."

"Yeah, you're right."

An awkward silence fell over us, which was weird. I guess we all had a lot to think about.

Will was most likely transferring to Dauntless. While it wasn't as obvious to strangers as Ash's temperance, Will definitely had an energy beyond what Erudite could provide. Sure, he had wit, but the pressure was cracking him like it did most Erudite dependants. 

Sebastian has been debating where he's going to go for a while. He wants to study law, but he hates the lifestyle that Candor members live. They didn't have quite the same luxury that Erudite had, and I don't think Sebby could live without his eyeliner. He could also study accounting here in Erudite, but he has a very love-hate relationship with the subject.

It's very likely none of us will stay here in Erudite. It's weird to think of our table being empty.

Eventually, the three of them get into a debate about a new kind of serum being developed, and I listen. It's nice hearing them lightheartedly arguing, and even when it devolves into crude insults, I know that they'll be laughing again in just a few moments. Occasionally, Sebby steals glances at his girlfriend Sarah, who's sitting a few tables over. We have a "no significant others" policy at our table after Will and Edward had a messy breakup, but Sarah's a sweetheart who wouldn't hurt anybody. I wish they'd let her come over, but she sits with Myra and her friends.

Myra. I still can't believe she implied she's going to Dauntless. Maybe I'm just reading too much into what she said, but damn, Myra in Dauntless?

I try to focus back in on the conversation, but I just can't. Today is the last time the four of us will be together, and I can't even hang on to any of their voices. Fuck. 

How am I going to leave this behind? Why can't I just not grow up?

I don't even notice I'm crying until Ash ruffles my hair. "You okay, kid?"

"Of course not." I shake my head. "This is our last day of being kids."

"But we're going to go and do great things. Isn't that exciting?" Will asks. He has no idea I'm going to Dauntless with him. I'm not sure where he thinks I'll end up, but there's no way he's going to guess Dauntless for me. 

"Yeah, but still." 

Sebastian reaches into his lunch bag. "I figured this would happen, so I brought these in advance." He pulls out a small container of blueberries and hands them to me.

God, this is all so bittersweet. I love my friends, but even if we all transferred together, things wouldn't be the same. Whichever initiation we'd end up in, it's likely that we'd end up having to focus more on getting into the faction than actually maintaining our friendship. Sure, Erudite is also challenging to keep a friend group in, but we all know how it is for each other. Initiation is a huge unknown if we end up somewhere else.

Eventually, I manage to calm myself down. The blueberries help, especially since they're so tasty at the beginning of summer. My friends always coddle me, at least a little bit, since I'm the youngest and smallest. 

I wish I could tell Will and Sebastian about my gender issues. I know I could probably trust them, but every time I try, I get all choked up. They call me Crimson, at least, even if they don't know why I like going by it so much.

Eventually, after we all finish our lunches, it's time for the Aptitude test. They call people up based on address, so Ash and I will likely go at the same time. The melancholy turns to dread in my stomach as I recognize people in our building. Will is first out of all of us, and he comes back after a few minutes a little shaken up. I want to ask what happened, but I know he's not allowed to say.

"From Erudite, Cadence Glynn and Ashton White." 

We get up together, and I squeeze his hand. This is going to be fine. I'm most likely going to get Erudite or Amity, but that doesn't have to change my decision. I'll be with my brother, test be damned.

We're taken to a set of rooms only used for testing. I give Ash's hand one more squeeze before we're separated.

Everything is going to be fine.

I enter the room, and am met with my reflection across the wall. The whole room is covered in mirrors, and I'm not sure why. In the center of the room, there's a chair   
that reminds me of the dentist's office, and a woman in Abnegation grey.

"Hello, Cadence." The woman smiles a but, motioning for me to get into the chair.

I do as I'm told, stomach flipping too much for me to say anything. As I lay back, the woman attaches wires to my temples. Is she going to read my brain waves or something? Is it to keep me honest so I don't skew the results?

She hands me a small cup of liquid. It's clear, but I can tell it's not water. "Drink this, please."

"What does it do?" I swirl it around a little.

"I cannot say. Just trust me, please."

And I do, because there's no way in hell I'm going to get kicked out of this test.

0-0-0-0-0

I blink, and the woman is gone. I get out of the chair and look around. There's no way she was able to leave that quickly, right? In front of me is a table with a wheel of cheese and a knife.

"Choose." Whoa, is that Jeanine Matthews talking to me? I glance around, but she's not here. Damn. I've only met her once when she talked to our class about government jobs in Erudite, but man, she just exudes pure Erudite energy. 

"Choose." She's a little annoyed this time. Oh, right.

"Sorry." I say as I grab the cheese. The knife may be useful in some situations, but my guts says I'll need the cheese more. The table vanishes, and I'm in one of the lecture halls, standing on the stage. I turn around, and everyone I know is sitting in the seats, watching, snickering to themselves. 

"Cadence, are you ready to begin your presentation on pasteurization?" A nameless, faceless teacher says. Well, he has a face, but it's so generic and it blurs if I try to look too closely.

I'm not ready. I mean, I know some things about milk, even though I'm lactose intolerant (I was really hoping I wouldn't have to eat the cheese), but I'm not ready to give a whole presentation over it. Deep breath. It hitches in my throat. I'm not ready at all. Sure, I could bullshit it like Ash would, but I don't have the confidence nor the intelligence to do this on the fly.

"Wait." Is that Sebby? He stands up in the first row. Holy shit, why's he here? Well, I guess everyone I know is here. It makes sense, really. "I was supposed to help Crimson study, but I didn't help her prepare enough material. This is my fault."

"Is this true?" The teacher asks. "Because if so, he'll fail and I'll give you an alternative assignment later." That's not how class usually works. Would I really let Sebby fail to save myself? Well, he's the one who spoke up, so it's kind of on him.

I nod. "Yes, it's true."

0-0-0-0-0

I blink again and I'm back in the chair. The Abnegation woman smiles and removes the wires from her head. "Congratulations, Cadence, you belong in Amity."

Oh. Cool. That makes a lot of sense. I already knew it in a way. "How does the test work, anyway?" 

The Abnegation woman seems a bit flustered. "Oh, I'm not asked that very much." She clears her throat. "It determines your aptitude by eliminating the other factions.   
Your immediate distaste for the knife ruled out Dauntless. If you had taken it, you would have eliminated Amity and gone through a completely different scenario. Then, the classroom scenario ruled out Erudite. Since every student learns about pasteurization in their Food Science course, it's something that everyone can understand, but only Erudite minded people could remember and recite something that doesn't directly affect their daily lives. Then, Candor and Abnegation were eliminated when your friend lied to save you. If you had been honest, you'd have one more scenario to eliminate either Candor or Abnegation."

That makes sense. "Is it possible that the scenarios could leave two possible factions?"

The woman frowns. "I have other students to test. Have a nice day, miss."

Oh, right, I can't just stay here and chat. But she didn't answer my question. Oh well, I'm sure the simulation would continue to process until only one faction remains.

I head back into the cafeteria, and Ash isn't back yet. Maybe his is taking longer? He's a stubborn bastard, so I can totally see him stalling it out. But then, they call the next round of names, and he's still not back.

"You think he bailed and went home?" Will asks.

I shake my head. "He'd tell us, right?" Maybe he wouldn't. Maybe he got a weird result and needed to clear his head. He isn't always the most considerate. Still, I can't help but worry.

"Hey, I'll be called up fairly soon. I can ask if you guys want." Sebastian offers. "I don't know if they'd be allowed to tell me, but it's worth a shot."

"Thanks, man, I appreciate it."

We spend the time before Sebastian gets called up talking about nothing in particular. Onces he's called, Will and I thumb wrestle. I lose, of course. It's not my fault Will has giant hands compared to me. If I was playing with Sebby, I might win, because good God he has small hands compared to his height. Why does that boy have hands as small as mine?

Sebastian approaches our table, not looking too worried. "Hey, so the lady couldn't tell me specifically if Ash left early, but she said the liquid they have you drink occasionally makes students vomit, so they get sent home. That's probably what happened." He says as he sits back down. "You see, nothing to worry about."

"Do they know why people get sick?" Will asks.

"She didn't say." He shrugs. "Though, if it's only a few students, it might be an obscure allergy or something."

"Can allergies cause vomiting?" I ask.

"Don't you throw up if you eat too much yogurt?" Okay, yeah, fair. Will cracks a smile and runs a hand through his blond hair. God, he has a lot of hair. Then again, so do I.

"That's not really an allergy, more an intolerance." I say.

"Fine, then Ash may have an intolerance to the eating fluid."

Eventually, it's time to go home. I wish I could stop time and stay here forever with my friends, but I can't. God damn it, I'm really going to miss this. We get on the bus home together and cram ourselves into one row, me in the middle since I'm the smallest. I fight back tears the whole way, and the other two occasionally ruffle my hair to get me to giggle a bit. God, they're so great. 

Will lives on the first floor of our building, so we say goodbye there. I hug him hard, and he hugs me back harder. Oh, right, he doesn't know I'm coming to Dauntless with him. I'm assuming he's still planning on Dauntless. Maybe he's not. I make sure to give him an extra squeeze, just in case.

Sebastian and I get on the elevator. Our building is fairly small, and the elevators are old, so most people take the stairs. We're alone.

"You going to hang out with Sarah tonight?" I ask.

"Nah. We had a date night last night, and agreed to take tonight for ourselves. We'll have plenty of time in the future."

"So, you decided on Erudite after all, huh?" Good. He'll do good here.

"Yeah. Test told me it's where I fit, so I don't need to worry anymore." He shrugs, running a hand through his thick black hair.

"So vagrantly ignoring the one rule about these tests." I smirk.

"Well, no point in keeping it a secret."

I sigh. God, I want to stay and be with my friends. But I don't fit here. "I'm not staying in Erudite." But I don't want to tell him I'm going to Dauntless. I don't want to say anything out loud, because if I do, I'll have to commit to a decision, and I'm definitely not ready. "I, uh, got Amity on the test." 

He chuckled a little. "I figured you would, honestly." The elevator door opens at the fifth floor. "Want me to walk you to your door?"

"Oh, such a gentleman." I smile. I know it's not like that, it never has been. He's just a good friend. "I'm going to miss you, you know." 

"Yeah, of course you will. I'm impossible not to miss." He grins, but I can tell he's sad behind those dark green eyes. We're walking so slow, and I don't want this moment to end. "I'm going to miss you too."

"You've been an amazing friend. I couldn't have asked for more." And I can't help it, I start crying. "Fuck, Sebby, this is all so weird."

"We knew it would happen." He sighs a little. "Either I would have ended up in Candor, or you in Amity. Or both, then we'd have to be bitter rivals."

I smile a little through my tears. "Nah, you're too much of a softie to hate me."

And then we're at my door. 

"I guess this is it, then, huh?" I don't even try to fight the tears anymore.

"Yeah, I guess so." He pulls me into a hug, even though he's not usually a hugger. A lot of Erudite members aren't keen on physical contact.   
I hold him for a long time, and I feel my heart start to crack open. This isn't happening. I'm not saying goodbye to my best friend, the one who brings me snacks when I'm sad, the one who always knows exactly what's wrong. I can't be saying goodbye, not yet.

He pulls away and holds my face in his hands, wiping tears off my cheeks with his thumbs. God, my makeup has got to be absolutely ruined by this point. "Crimson, you've been great. Now, go be great elsewhere." He presses his lips to my forehead, a kind gesture. "And, uh, say bye to Ash for me I guess. Hopefully he's okay."

I nod. "I will."

He lets go of my face, takes a deep breath, and walks back to the elevator.

I'm alone.

0-0-0-0-0

After composing myself, I head into my apartment. I check our voicemail, and there's a message from Mom saying that both her and Dad would be late working, and there was stuff to make beef stir fry in the fridge. 

I go into the bedroom Ash and I share and set down my things. Ash is fast asleep on the bed, snoring. I consider waking him up, but I figure I'll wake him up with dinner. I'm glad to see him alive and hopefully well.

Right, dinner. It's much later than school usually gets out, so I'm starving. I put the rice in the rice cooker, and then start slicing up the meat. I don't usually cook, but it's my last chance to make my own dinner for a while, so I'm going to take it. I don't love beef, but stir fry is always a good way to have it. After I get the meat cooking, I start slicing up the peppers and onions. I idly wonder if Mom bought the peppers herself, or if we got them in our weekly food package. Mom always gets so happy when we get fresh bell peppers.

After it's all done, I realize I've made enough for four people. Oh well, Mom and Dad can reheat their portions later. When I get back to our room with the food, Ash is sitting at the edge of his bed, staring at the wall. "Hey, bud, you alright?" He doesn't look at me. "I, uh, made dinner."

"Thanks." His voice sounds empty. What the hell happened to him?

"So, uh, I heard some people get sick from the test." I set his plate on his bedside table and sit next to him. "Was that why you didn't come back to lunch?"

He looks over to his plate. "Oh, uh, yeah. Sorry for not saying anything."

"It's fine." I start eating, because holy shit am I starving. "Make sure to eat. We have a big day tomorrow." 

"Yeah, we do." He doesn't pick up his plate.

"Sebastian said to tell you bye. He's gonna miss you, assuming you're still going to Dauntless." I frown. "Are you?"

He shrugs. "Probably."

Should I tell him I'm coming with him? Maybe. "I, uh, I got Amity on my test." 

"Good. You belong there."

"But, uh, I kind of want… to go to Dauntless with you." I knew that if I tried to keep it in, I'd explode. 

He raises an eyebrow. "Why the hell would you do that?"

"I just want to see you happy, you know?" It's so dumb. Why'd I even say anything? He probably thinks I'm stupid for even thinking about it. "Like, man, I haven't seen you actually smile in years."

He sighs. "Hey, Crimson?"

He's going to call me a moron. "Yeah?"

"Can I trust you?"

I blink. "Of course you can. Why would you even ask?"

He looks at me, and his eyes are more serious than I've ever seen them. It's almost scary. "No, really, can I? This isn't just some… little thing."

"Yes. You can absolutely trust me." I nod my head and put my hand over his. "I'm your brother."

He stands up and rubs his hand over his face. "I shouldn't be saying this at all. It's incredibly important that no one else knows. You can't ever tell anyone."

"Ash, you're scaring me. What's wrong?" I set my plate down and stand up, touching his arm.

He looks down at me and sighs. "So, you know how the test works by process of elimination?"

"Yeah, why?"

"For most people, it eliminates four and leaves only one answer. My test way only able to eliminate three." Oh. So I was on to something. "I have strong aptitudes for Dauntless and Erudite. People with multiple aptitudes are referred to as Divergents." The last word is almost a whisper, like it shouldn't ever be said out loud.

"Oh, that's…" They always told us we all fit into neat boxes, but it makes sense that not everyone would. "That's kind of cool. Like, is it a super rare thing? I mean, it's happened before, since there's a name for it, but-"

"Crimson, you don't understand." He cuts me off. Wait, hold on, is he panicking? His eyes are all wide, and he looks like he's struggling to breathe. That's not like him at all. He's usually the cool-headed one. What's wrong with-

"They kill people like me."

0-0-0-0-0

A/N: Whoopsie, meant to upload yesterday but I’m dumb. I’m loving writing this so far.


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3

Ash and I eat our dinners in silence. How was I supposed to say anything? 'Hey, uh, sucks you might die' isn't exactly a great way to continue a conversation. I'm just glad he's eating. 

I know that no matter what, I have to protect him. Will I be very good at it? Probably not. But I have to try, damn it.

Neither of us sleep well, but we pretend to be asleep when our parents get home. There's no way I'm going to be able to talk to them, not like this.

Eventually, I manage to get a few hours of sleep before I have to get up. Fuck. I wish I'd gotten more. I hate coffee, but I guess I'll need some to get through the day. I had the feeling Dauntless would have us hit the ground running, and I needed the energy.

Right. I'm joining Dauntless today. Every moment, it sounds like a worse and worse decision, but I need to be with my brother.

I get up earlier than him so I can steal all the hot water for the shower. If I let him have any, he'll end up too relaxed and fall asleep on the bus. He needs a cold shower to shock his system awake, and I need to remove any temptation. 

Or I'm just a selfish bitch who likes long showers.

Either way, he's still asleep when I go back into our room to wake him up. I basically have to drag him out of bed, but that's normal. When he hops in the shower, I head into our living room.

"Good morning, Cadence." Mom and Dad are already there. "Did you sleep well?"

"Of course not, Mom. It's Choosing Day." 

"I'm going to go make coffee and get us some cereal." Dad says, getting up. Oh, good, he's letting me talk to Mom.

"Hey, sweetie, come here so I can braid your hair." Mom motions to the spot on the couch next to her. Oh God, this is the last time we'll do this. Mom must know, because she looks like she wants to cry too. I sit down next to her.

"I got Amity on the Aptitude Test." I blurt out.

"I thought you might." Oh God, she's crying. No, no, Mom's not supposed to cry. "It'll be good for you. You'll do great things there." But I won't be going there. I'm not going to tell her that. "But no matter what, Cadence Alexandria Glynn, know that you'll always be my daughter, and I'll always love you."

My heart shatters into pieces. I'm not her daughter, I haven't been for a long time, but she'll never know that. She'll never see me as her son, because I'm leaving her behind before I can tell her. I'm not ready now, and this is my last chance. She'll never know.

I let myself cry, because if I speak, everything will come crashing down. 

As Ash comes out of the bathroom fully dressed, Dad brings us all coffee and breakfast. I'm glad he went ahead and assumed I'd need it, because I'm not in a state to ask for anything. Would it be bad to show up to the Choosing Ceremony with ruined makeup? I should probably just take it off. Ash's eyeliner looks perfect as always, even though his eyes are bloodshot as hell. How did he get blessed with such steady hands?

I remove my makeup before we go. It's weird, being so bare faced. I feel almost naked. I guess it makes sense, since I'm about to make the biggest decision of my life in front of a huge crowd.

I'm not ready for this.

0-0-0-0-0

We get on the bus together, and Mom holds my hand. Sebastian gets on and sits with Ash. Good, I'm glad they get to talk before we all go separate ways. His parents aren't coming, but that's not a huge surprise. Their family is more distant than most, and from what it sounds like, the few times they are together result in fighting. 

He often ends up staying with Will and his older sister Cara.

We eventually arrive at the Hub, the largest building in our city. I look up, and the thought of being at the very top makes me dizzy. Luckily, we aren't even going half that high, and we get to take the elevator.

A part of me just wants this over with, but more of me just doesn't want this moment to happen at all. I want to go back to living with Mom and Dad, hanging out at 

Will's on our days off. I want to go back to Sebby giving me blueberries and everyone ruffling my hair like I'm a cat.

I don't want to join Dauntless. I want to stay here, or go to Amity.

We sit down in the seats and wait. Ash grabs my hand and squeezes tighter than ever before. 

I'm joining Dauntless.

I can't even focus during the speech. The speaker, Marcus Eaton, has a nice voice, but it's full of that false Abnegation uppitiness. Is that even a word? I don't care. He sounds so full of himself. Trust me, Marcus, just because you lead a faction doesn't make you a good person. He's probably one of those assholes who beats his kids.

And then he starts calling names. Though I’ve never watched a Choosing Ceremony before, I know they call names in reverse alphabetical order. The first few people choose their home faction. Transfers usually make up a significantly smaller portion of any faction's initiate class. People are more comfortable in familiar settings. For every Erudite child that cracks under the pressure, there's five who are too scared to go anywhere else.

"White, Ashton!"

Ash gets up, and I can't hold on to him any longer. "Goodbye, Dad. Goodbye, Mom." He mumbles as he heads towards the stairs.

My mom instantly tears up, and Dad just looks numb. Did they have any idea this would happen? I know Mom knows I'm leaving, but did Ash ever talk to her?

He steps onto the stage and takes the knife from Marcus. He hesitates for a moment before slicing his palm and holding it over the coals. Dauntless.

He's the first transfer. People around us mutter in confusion and distress while Dauntless cheers and yells obscenities towards Erudite. The rest of my faction will see him as a traitor, but what will my parents believe?

I have to stay. I can't leave them childless. 

But Mom's already told me that no matter what, I'm her kid. She's accepted that I'm leaving, and behind her tears, I know she's happy for me. But would she be okay if she knew I was going to Dauntless, not Amity? I study her face, but I can't tell how she's feeling. Obviously sad because her child left, but does she feel abandoned? Angry? Or proud that he’s making his own choices? Maybe a bit of everything.

How am I supposed to do this? Why couldn't mom have had me two months later so I could have another year to think?

Names blur by me, and I try to focus on what people are choosing. Most transfers go to Amity or Erudite. It makes sense. Amity provides a happy life, and Erudite has almost unlimited potential. There's few Dauntless transfers slipping in, mostly from Erudite and Candor. No one from Abnegation has left, even though a few have transferred in.

"Prior, Caleb." Oh, hey, it's that Abnegation guy from Ethics and Philosophy. He steps up to the stage and slices his palm, just like everyone else before him.

He joins Erudite.

Just like Ash, it feels like a barrier's been broken. An Abnegation leaving is rare already, but coming to the faction that's actively antagonizing them? People cry out, and I start to wonder how bad things really are.

"Prior, Beatrice." His sister, I assume. She seems even less sure than he did, and her blood drips onto the floor before she thrusts her hand over the coals.

Oh, fuck, they're family but be really fucked. Both children leaving at once? Holy hell. More outrage from the crowd as Dauntless welcomes her in with shouts and laughter.

They always seem so happy to get a new member. It's beautiful, really.

The next few choices aren't very interesting. Everyone stays in their own faction.

"Perkins, Infinity." Now that's a name. A blue haired Dauntless goes up to the stage, every step exuding confidence. He slices his palm with a dramatic flair, and turns towards the Abnegation bowl. No way, someone like that joining the Stiffs? Even though it's impossible to fail their initiation, he'd find a way to do it. He holds his hands dangerously close to the bowl, before laughing and switching over to the Dauntless flames. His blood drips onto the coals, and he turns around. He hold his hands up to his face, getting blood on his chin, and blows kisses to the crowd. As his arms extend, his hands quickly change to flipping everyone off. "All you pansy-ass Stiffs can suck my cock!" He yells as he steps backwards off the stage and rejoins his own faction.

Why was he so dramatic? He didn't even change factions. I know Dauntless has a flair for drama, but still. 

Even from this far away, I can see the shock on Marcus's face. He stumbles a bit before calling the next name.

I pay attention to who else joins Dauntless, who my new faction mates will be. Edward and Myra both join, and it's a relief. I'm not super close with Edward, but he seems alright. Myra has always been so nice to me, and I can't wait to be her friend for real.

All too, soon, I hear "Glynn, Cadence!"

Fuck. No, no, no, I'm not ready. I force myself to stand up, but my legs threaten to buckle under me.

"We love you, Cadence." Mom says.

"I love you too." And then I have to go. I can't leave them behind, but as I walk down the stairs, I realize there's no way I can stay. I'm not smart enough, and I'll crack under the pressure. As much as I love my parents, I can't stay.

I'm joining Dauntless.

I get to the stage, and Marcus hands me the knife. His eyes pierce into my soul, asking far more questions than any Abnegation should.

I slice my palm, but as I turn to the flaming bowl, the winds of Amity seem to call me, waiting, begging me to join. I could be happy, live an easy life, no worries in the world.

But I'll always worry about Ash. 

I don't let myself look towards Amity as I hold my hand over the flames. My blood sizzles as it drops onto the coals, and a warmth fills my body as my new faction cheers. I don't turn back, because if I see my parent's faces right now, I'll beg for them to take me back.

This is a mistake. I should have joined Amity.

I sit down next to my brother. 

"You actually did it." He smirks a little, as if he's impressed.

A few minutes later, we hear "Erble, Will!" get called up. Heh, Marcus pronounced it as if it rhymed with 'gerbil', not 'terrible' how it's supposed to be pronounced. What a dumbass. Then again, I made the same mistake, but I was six. Heh, Marcus is as dumb as I was when I was six.

How did I get Amity again? 

He joins Dauntless, just like I thought he would. Unfortunately, the spots around us have filled up, so he sits elsewhere. A bit later, a girl named "Canter, Christina!" sits next to him.

The last name I recognize is "Abbott, Sebastian." As he slices his palm, he looks over to us. His eyes catch mine, and I beg him to join us. We're his friends, and he should stay with us, factions be damned.

He gives me the most confused look as he joins Erudite. Oh, right, he thought I was joining Amity. Fuck. Yeah, I did lie by omission. 

The ceremony ends when the last person chooses, and I give one last look back to Erudite as the Dauntless members around me rise. I can't see my parents. It's probably for the best. I've said my goodbyes, and if I dwell any longer, I'll cry. I can't cry now, not as I'm joining Dauntless.

We run down the stairs, footsteps hammering down and wild yells filling the stairwell. It's more than I've ever run at once. I falter quite a bit, but there's always someone to help me up, help me forward. We burst out of the Hub, and the sun's already setting. Damn, the ceremony took that long? My stomach growls a bit. I feel like I should be much hungrier.

After leaving the Hub, the Dauntless start climbing up to a platform. It reminds me of climbing the apple trees in Amity when our teacher wasn't looking. Sometimes, I hate my small frame, but today, it's the only reason I can make it up. I'm so out of breath, and my clothes cling to me because of all the sweat.

I hear the faint horn of a train, and my heart sinks. Oh, fuck, we're jumping on a train our first day? After all that running? Why did I join Dauntless?

I look around the crowd to find Ash. He's never been hard to find, given that at his last checkup he clocked in at 6'4, and has grown a couple inches since then. The grin on his face, chock full of giddy excitement, soothes my worries. Everything will be just fine.

The train arrives, and it's panic time again.

The Dauntless horns go first running along the tracks and swinging inside no problem. The train can't be going much more than 10 miles per hour, but it feels like it's racing by.

I see an opening, and I have to take it.

I run along pace with the train car, but finding the courage to jump and grab the pole is a daunting task. What if I fuck up?

The edge of the platform is quickly approaching. If I don't jump now, I'll fall to my death. It's time to either fly or die.

I fly.

My body collides with the train car as I grab the handle, and it knocks the wind out of me. I try to swing myself in, but I'm not strong enough. Fuck, I'm clinging onto a moving train car 40 feet into the air.

Hands drag me in. I end up pressed into a boy's chest, and when I pull away, I see grey. Huh? Another Abnegation? How'd I miss that? I look up at his face, and realize who he is.

"Hey, you're that guy who's sister got pushed over by my brother's dumb ass friends!" Admittedly, that's not the strongest connection, but it's all I have. "Shuî, right?" 

"Uh, yeah." His eyes are really pretty, a deep brown with patches of light brown near the pupil. He looks away shyly. "I never got your name."

It occurs that no one needs to know my original name. Sure, a few might know, but strangers never have to know.

I can tell people I'm a boy. Sure, I don't look like it, but I can work on it. 

"Oh, uh, I'm Crimson."

He's still holding on to me, and I don't think he realizes it. I wouldn't mind, but we're dangerously close to the edge, so I pull away and sit back against the wall, feeling every vibration.

I hear Ash's laugh. "Holy shit, that was the coolest thing I've ever done!" 

"Welcome to Dauntless, then. Trust me, you'll do much cooler." A bronze-skinned Dauntless boy says. I see a tattoo of a snake peeking out under his ear. "I'm Uriah."

Shuî sits down next to me and catches his breath as Ash shakes Uriah's hand. "Ash. Good to meet you, man."

I idly pull my braid in front of me and fiddle with it. It's a nervous tick, but as I think, I realize that having long hair is an awful idea. For one, if the rumor's I've heard are true, we'll be training in hand to hand combat, and having a braid to yank around would put me at a disadvantage. Plus, I don't know how available hair care products will be, since Initiation for every faction limits your resources somewhat.

Plus, I look even more like a girl with waist length hair. Maybe, just maybe, short hair will make my face look more masculine.

The thought of cutting my hair fills me with a sense of sorrow. It's my last connection to my mother. She always braided my hair every single morning, and throwing that away feels like a betrayal.

But I've already given her the worst betrayal. I left my faction.

"Hey, does anyone have a knife?" I'm in a train full of Dauntless, I'm sure someone has one.

Surprisingly, Shuî's the one who hands me one. What the hell? Why does he have a knife? He must have known he'd transfer. Still, how does an Abnegation have a knife?

Whatever. I take the knife and pull my braid back. Is the knife sharp enough? I take a deep breath and slice through my hair, hoping it lands somewhere around the nape of my neck.

My head feels so much lighter. I haven't had hair this short since I was four. It's an odd sensation. I hand the knife back and shake my head out. God, holding the braid in my hand reminds me how heavy it really was.

I stand up and go to the edge of the train car. Holding on to the handle, I lean out slightly. I could learn to love this, really. The wind whips through my newly cut hair, and I sigh. I take the braid and hold it out, letting go. The red strands fly free from the elastic, and they drift through the wind like a flame.

Goodbye, Mom.

Ash pulls me back into the car. "Don't want you falling out." He smiles. God, I've missed that smile.

We stand and watch the city go by. I see the building where we used to live just this morning, and I wonder if my parents are home, or did they decide to drown themselves in their work? 

0-0-0-0-0

The train starts to slow down again. I'm back against the wall, sitting between Ash and Shuî, idly chatting about what our new life will be like. Well, Ash and I talk. Shuî just kind of sits there and stares out into the city. 

Ash gets up and peeks out the train door. "I think we're about to jump off." 

Oh. Fun. I shouldn't be surprised, since jumping on to a train implies jumping off. Still, when I come out to look, there's a gap between the train and the rooftop.

I grab Ash's hand. "Together?"

"You asking for my benefit or yours?" Ash laughs a little.

"One hundred percent mine." I laugh as well.

"Hmm, alright. I'm feeling nice." 

When it's time, we back up a couple steps, then leap out. I feel weightless for a moment, with an odd sense of terror that I’ve never felt as the roof comes hurtling towards me. I stumble and fall to my knees when we land, and a bit of blood drips from one of them. Oh well, not too bad. May leave a bit of a scar, since it looks like   
I cut myself on a sharp piece of gravel or something.

A blur of grey lands next to me, rolling on the ground. Shuî. He gets up and dusts off his clothes. “That was intense.”

“It was awesome, that’s what it was.” Ash grins. 

I can’t even talk. My hearts hammering too hard, too much adrenaline, too much excitement, too much regret. Are we going to have to do that every day? It was fun, sure, but as I hear someone cry out, sobbing uncontrollably, I fear the worst. Someone died.

Why do I want to go look? My body propels me towards the edge, and I peer over. A Dauntless born girl is on the ground, limbs contorted at impossible angles, blood pouring from everywhere. Even the Dauntless born aren’t safe.

I pull away before I can throw up. Then again, even if I could, I don’t have much in my stomach. Maybe that’s why the Choosing Ceremony is so long, so that the trains don’t get covered in vomit. I look over to the crying girl, and I want to comfort her, but she’s thrashing about as another Dauntless boy holds her so she doesn’t fall. 

Maybe now’s not the time.

“Listen up!” I turn towards the voice, and an older black man stands on one of the ledges. His presence is commanding, and I can tell he’s someone important. “My name is Max! I am one of the leaders of your new faction!” He stands on the ledge so casually, like this is nothing to him. Like someone didn’t just fall to their death and splatter all over the pavement. “Several stories below us is the new initiate’s entrance into our compound! If you can’t muster the courage to jump off, you do not belong!” A few Dauntless borns start to walk up to the ledge, but Max holds up a hand. “Tradition dictates that it must be a transfer who makes the first leap.”

“You want us to jump off a ledge?” Myra asks, mouth hung open. Why is she so surprised? I don’t love the idea, but it’s perfectly in line with what we’ve already been asked to do. 

“Yes.” Max smirks, amused. 

“Is there water at the bottom or something?” One of the Candor members asks. No, water would be a terrible idea. Hitting water at a high velocity and the right angle would be the same as hitting concrete. Besides, swimming lessons are entirely optional in most factions, and I sure as hell didn’t take any. I doubt that they’d make us swim, since it’s not a practical skill in our lives. Maybe if the lake at the eastmost bounds of our city wasn’t a giant marsh, people would try and swim, but I can’t imagine ever having to now.

“Who knows?” Max raises his eyebrows. God, he’s having so much fun with this. “Now, who among you is brave enough to take the leap into the unknown?”

The Dauntless borns step to the side, creating a path for us transfers. I half expect Ash to volunteer, but before I can even turn to him, Beatrice steps forward. “I will.”

Holy shit, not who I expected. Max steps to the side as she climbs up on to the ledge. The wind whips through her clothes, and she fumbles a bit as she removes her outermost layer. 

“Woo, take it off Stiff!” Peter. Ugh, I didn’t realize he’d transferred here too. Well, I guess I did know he’d leave Candor, but I’m still annoyed. “Take it off!” He pauses for a moment before adding, "Put it back on."

Rude.

Beatrice seems to agree with me, since she balls up her shirt and tosses it at his chest. I giggle a little at the interaction.

She takes a moment to collect herself, and then silently jumps off the ledge. I don't hear any splashing water, so I assume that there's a net or a trampoline or something. No, a trampoline would be bad, because if they rocket back up, they could hit a wall.

We all line up, one by one. Ash is in front of me, and Shuî is behind me. The Dauntless born stay in the back, giving us the chance to face our fears. At first I wasn't scared, but now I'm worried. Logically, I know I'll be fine, but the idea of leaping off a building is unsettling. 

Ash stays stone-faced in front of me, but then it's his turn. His skin pales a bit from it's usual tan shade, and his hands are shaking. Wait, is he actually scared? I don't think I've ever seen him scared. Well, I guess last night he could be considered scared, but that was reasonable.

He leaps, and I hear him scream louder than he's ever screamed. I've only ever heard him tell out in frustration or pain, and even then it's usually a curse word or two under his breath. Never terror.

Max motions me up about 30 seconds after Ash made his leap.

I climb onto the ledge, and my first instinct is to sit back down. The building we're on is connected to three other buildings, creating a square. However, where there should be ground, there's just a hole, and it's too dark to see the bottom. 

I have no reason to be scared. I'll land safely, and everything will be fine.

I can't look.

I saw a few people before me go backwards, closing their eyes and crossing their hands over their chests. Maybe they were on to something. I turn around, and the crowd is staring back at me. Fuck, how am I supposed to do this? Max may just have to push me.

Shuî gives me a small smile, and it looks like he doesn't quite have the hang of smiling yet. 

I take a deep breath, close my eyes, and let myself fall.

I'm going to die I'm going to die I'm going to die.

My screams are knocked out of me when I hit something soft, a net that gives and cradles me. It takes me a minute before I can move, by when I can, hands are reaching towards me.

The woman who pulls me up is so pretty, with three eyebrow rings and too many various ear piercings to count. Her deep brown eyes seem to question me, but not in an unfriendly way. Just a curious way.

"And what's your name, little lady?" She grins.

If I don't say anything now, I don't think I'll be able to say it again. This is my one shot to let my new world know who I am. I can't let terror overtake me, not this time. 

"My name is Crimson Glynn, and I'm a boy."


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4

"Well, I wouldn't have guessed that by looking, but alright." She turns me towards the crowd and raises my hand up with hers. "Alright, here we've got Crimson, and he's a boy!" 

People cheer, though not as enthusiastically as they probably did for Beatrice. I was towards the end of the transfer line, so I'm sure everyone's tired of yelling.

A blur of grey lands in the net, and I take that as my cue to get off the platform.

"Not trying to hide it anymore?" Ash asks as I stand next to him.

I grin. "Nah. Felt good to get it off my chest." I don't know how Dauntless will treat that aspect for me, but I would explode if I kept it in much longer.

"Your hair looks like shit." He smirks as he pays my head. God, it's probably so tangled from all the wind. Plus, I did a terrible job of cutting it. I'll have to get it evened out sometime soon.

"Thanks. You sound like a strangled cat when you scream."

Ash laughs a little. "Yeah, sounds about right."

Shuî approaches us, breathless. God, he looks like he might collapse.

"You good, there, bud?" I ask, putting a hand on his shoulder.

He recoils a bit. "Yeah, just… wow."

We wait for a few minutes, but it feels like an eternity. Then, as the last transfer falls, the man who was on the platform groups us all together. "Alright, transfers, follow me."

The corridors are dark, and the blue lanterns are sparse, so I lose myself in the darkness. The walls are carved out of the stone, and we continue so far down that my ears pop. It’s a strange sensation, one I’ve only experienced on our field trip up to the top of the Hub. 

Eventually, we stop in a rounded room with nothing in it. “Welcome, Initiates!” The man leading us yells, getting our attention. “Most of the time I work in the control room, but for the next few weeks, I am your instructor.” He says. “My name is Four.”

“Four? Like the number?” A pretty Candor girl asks from a few feet away.

Ash and I look at each other, and I know he’s thinking exactly what I am. We both let out a slight laugh.

“Yes.” Four says, and then turns to us. “Is there a problem?”

I shut up instantly, but Ash isn’t that smart. Or he’s brave enough to laugh in front of our new instructor. 

“Come on, you know that name means something else, right?” Ash smirks. “At least you aren’t lying and calling yourself Eight.”

“Knock it off, bro.” I elbow him in the ribs as Four approaches. 

Four is tall, around the same height as Shuî, so around six feet or so, but he’s still shorter than Ash. Still, he has no problems getting in Ash’s face. “What’s your name?”

“I don’t know, Seven, maybe Seven and a Ha-”

I elbow him in the ribs harder, because that’s definitely not information I needed to hear. I glance over at Shuî, and he just looks so confused. Poor baby, he’s going to get his innocence shattered here, I can already tell.

“His name is Ash, sir.” I say. “Excuse my brother. There’s a reason he left Erudite.”

Four gives a small, amused smile towards me. “I can tell.” His face is cold again as he turns back to Ash. “Listen here, Ash. If I wanted to deal with smartasses, I would have joined Candor. I suspect you should have done the same.” He glares at my brother for another moment before turning on his heel and heading back to the front of the group. “I’ll be taking you on a tour of the compound. I’ll show you everywhere you need to know, from our commercial area, initiate housing, and training areas. Along the way, I’ll explain our currency system and other information you’ll need to know for your life here in Dauntless.” God, his voice is boring when he speaks. It reminds me of Marcus Eaton and his boring ass speech. Was that really only a few hours ago?

“Now, if you’ll follow me, we’ll be heading to the Pit, which you’ll someday learn to love. It-” The pretty Candor girl snickers a little, and I swear I hear him sigh. He stares her down for a minute. “What’s your name, initiate?”

“Christina,” She squeaks. Wow, she’s about as tall as he is.

“Well, Christina, I’ve made my dislike for Candor smart-mouths very clear.” He hisses. “The first lesson you will learn from me is to keep your mouth shut. Got that?”

She nods.

Four turns and heads down the tunnel. We move with him, silent. No one wants to anger Four again. He seems calm enough, but calm means planning. I he were to explode, his anger would be spent, but he could be planning retaliation. Or maybe he’s brave enough to let a few comments roll off of him. I can’t tell if he’s still angry or not. 

He pushes a set of double doors open, and we walk into the place he called “the Pit.”

“Oh.” I hear Christia whisper. She’s not a very quiet whisperer. “I get it.”

“Pit” is the perfect word for it. We’re at the bottom of a huge underground cavern, walls rocky and uneven and rising several stories. It’s so big I can barely see the other side. Carved out of the walls are shops and places for recreation. Narrow paths made of metal grates twist above us like a spider web. There’s no rails, and children run on them like they couldn’t possibly fall off and die. I was nauseous just looking at it. 

Above the paths, there’s a large glass ceiling, and above that, a building with no floors except for at the very top and a tall, steep staircase leading up to it. It probably looks like a normal building from the outside.

Dauntless around us, dressed in black but with wildly varying styles, talking and shouting, faces more expressive than most in Erudite could ever dream of. I can’t see any elderly members. Do Dauntless just die young, even if they survive Initiation, or are the elderly sent away when their bodies deteriorate.

“Welcome to the Pit. This is where Dauntless gather for all of their needs, from clothing to food, as well as many other luxuries. As initiates, you’ll be allotted a baseline amount of points, plus you’ll earn more the better you do. If you become a full member, any remaining points will be converted into the universal currency, Dollars, and you’ll earn money based off of your job. The Canteen is just off of the Pit, and we’ll head there as soon as you get settled in the dorms.”

The ‘if’ he said lingers in my mind. ‘If’ we make it in. How many of us will fail?

“Now, if you’ll follow me,” says Four, “I’ll show you the Chasm.”

He waves us forward, and we head to the right side of the Pit. It’s dark, but as we get closer, the Dauntless chatter turns to the sound of rushing water. It’s so much darker than I’ve ever had to deal with, but I see a metal railing. I look over the side. Water gushes through a pipe and lands on the sharp rocks below, flowing somewhere where I can’t see. It sprays upward, covering me in a mist that feels surprisingly pleasant. Still, the thought of falling in makes me nauseous.

“The Chasm reminds us that there is a fine line between bravery and idiocy!” Four shouts over the crashing water. “A daredevil jump off of this ledge will end your life. It has happened before and it will happen again. You’ve been warned.”

Who among us will end up in the bottom of this chasm, body tumbling through the water, rocks bludgeoning them until their limbs break and the water flows red?

“This is amazing.” Ash mutters, peeking a little too far over the railing before backing away.

“Something like that.” I say. 

We walk along a path that crosses the Chasm and leads us into a hallway. We head into a room on our right. It’s large, something like the gymnasium at our school. The floor is old wood, and there’s a marked off circle in the middle. Punching bags are lined up along the wall. There’s only about fifteen or so, so maybe all of us won’t be training in here.

“This is one of our many training rooms. You’ll be grouped up with the people in your dorm, which are usually groups of ten. However, since there are more transfers than we expected, 71 instead of the usual 60, the groups will be slightly larger.” Four explains. “You’ll meet in your dorm’s training room at eight. Tardiness is not tolerated, and will affect your rankings. Lunch is at noon, and then you’ll resume training until six. Afterwards, you can do what you like, but please remember to let your body rest. It’ll need it.”

“Rankings?” Someone asks, like it’s not obvious we’d be ranked. Why wouldn’t they? Athleticism is important, and if you can’t keep up, then of course you won’t do as well.

“Yes. Your ranking serves two purposes. The first is that it determines the order in which you’ll select a job after initiation. If you don’t get above a certain rank, you’ll be given a job working in our police force and living among the Factionless until you can prove yourself to become a full member. Mid ranking members work at the Fence and work shifts living within the Amity settlements. After all, commuting from Amity to Dauntless every night is a waste of time. The top Initiates have much more freedom in their choices. Leadership, nurses, tattoo artists, et cetera.”

“And what’s the second purpose?” Someone else asks.

“After the first stage, the bottom twenty-five percent of initiates will be cut sent sent out of Dauntless completely.” Four explains. He doesn’t seem malicious, just matter of fact. “You will live factionless. If you can’t perform the physical tasks we require, we don’t want you with us.”

My stomach drops. I’m small, and I’m definitely not strong. Will I be able to make it? I hear Myra sob a little next to me, and I put a hand on her shoulder.

“But that’s… not fair!” A broad-shouldered Candor girl yells. She sounds angry, but I can tell beneath it, she’s terrified. “If we had known-”

“If you’re not brave enough to push past your fear of failure, then you don’t belong here.” Four crosses his arms, stern. “You chose us, and now Dauntless has to choose you.”

A chill settles over all of us. A quarter of us will be gone by the end of the first stage. What even are the stages, anyway? I guess he’ll explain later, since I really don’t feel like speaking up.

“Now, let’s take you up to the dorms.” Four says, heading out of the training room. We follow him silently down the hall and up a flight of stairs. When we get to the dorm area, he counts us off in groups of twelve and assigns us a dorm. He explains that there’s a box of clothes provided, and once we’re done getting changed and claiming our beds, to meet us at the Canteen across the Pit.

My group steps into our room. There’s five bunk beds, and twelve of us. Two of us are going to have to either share a bed with someone else or sleep on the floor.

“So…” Will clears his throat. I’m glad he’s in our group. “How are we doing this?”

“Eddy and I can share a bed.” Myra says, clinging on to his arm and grinning. I’m so glad she’s with us too.

“Any other volunteers, or should we draw sticks or something?”

I take a deep breath and look at Ash. “You cool with sharing?” And then I look at the beds, and there’s no way he could lay on one without curling up, and I wouldn’t fit alongside him. “Eh, nevermind.”

“I’ll sleep on the floor.” Shuî says. “Uh, Abnegation beds may as well be floors.” Was that a joke? I crack a smile. Huh, a funny Abnegation. Who knew?

“Great, that settles it!” Will claps his hands. “Now, let’s all get changed.”

We all go over to the box of clothes. Luckily, all the sizes are easily identifiable, so it’s easy to pass on something that’ll be too big. Me and Beatrice --Wait, I heard Christina call her Tris at some point, which I think suits a Dauntless member a lot better-- end up getting most of the small clothes thrust at us. After all, we’re both short and skinny.

“Hey, do you have any t-shirts in your stack?” Tris asks meekly, like she rarely asks for anything. “Peter kept handing me tank-tops.” 

I understand completely why that makes her uncomfortable. Abnegation tends to fuck up their dependant’s sense of modesty. “Oh, sure!” We trade a few shirts. Tank tops aren’t the most appealing, but at least the ones I got don’t seem to be as revealing as I’ve seen some Dauntless wear. I don’t love the idea of changing in front of other people, but at least it’s just my underwear. I turn as to not face anyone as I quickly change into one of the tank tops and some loose knee length shorts with a lot of pockets.

After I’m ready, I go down to the Canteen with Ash and Shuî. Will already went down, and I spot him surrounded by Dauntless members, laughing about something. Are they other transfers, or full on members? I wish I could sit and talk with him, but I guess that will have to wait until later.

The three of us sit at one of the long tables that hasn’t been completely filled yet. There’s a plate of hamburgers in the center of our little section. It’s not my favorite, but it’ll do. Ash and Shuî are both across from me, and I can see the apprehension on Shuî’s face. “You’ve never had a hamburger before?” Ash asks, eyes wide with amusement. 

“No. Is that what it’s called?” He asks, taking one and putting it on his plate.

“Yeah. It’s beef, if you couldn’t tell.” I say. I bite into mine, and it has more flavor than I expect. “Tastes like they put onion in the patty too.”

Ash hands him a small paper cup of ketchup. “Put this on it, it helps give it more moisture.”

“Yeah, if you’re a heathen who likes tomatoes.” I roll my eyes, not understanding my brother’s love for the stuff.

“We usually eat plain food in Abnegation. Chicken, rice, frozen vegetables, that sort of thing.” Shuî puts the ketchup on and takes a bite. His eyes widen, and he takes another bite, and another.

“Whoa, there, bud. Don’t eat too fast or you might get sick.” I chuckle.

“You know why those taste so good?” A tall, blue haired Dauntless boy says as he plops into the seat next to me. “They’re made from the members who don’t make it.”

Shuî drops the burger.

I look at the boy, knowing he’s lying but not understanding why. But then I notice the screws in his ears, the cross made of nails dangling from his neck, and the mischievous grin on his face, and I remember him. This is Infinity Perkins, the boy who told everyone from Abnegation to suck his cock.

“Welcome to Dauntless, guys!” He takes three hamburgers and puts them on his plate. “I’m Fin, your welcoming committee to Dauntless.”

Ash smirks. “Committee? Even though there’s a whole lot of you-” A comment that must be referring to his height, since he’s as thin as a rail, “You’re not much of a committee. More of a madman.”

Fin laughs really loud, and it startles me. “I like you, man.” He looks down at me. “And who’s this cutie?”

I blush. Goddamn it. I didn’t expect anyone to flirt with me, especially with my hair looking as bad as it does.

“That’s my brother, Crimson.” Ash says. “Oh, and I’m Ash.”

“Oh, you’re that boy with the great tits!” He claps a hand on my shoulder and laughs. “I heard some of my older Dauntless friends talking about you. A few of them are putting money on you being the surprise underdog.”

“You guys bet on initiates?”

Fin’s grin is wide, and one of his front teeth is missing. Is that common in Dauntless? “Yeah. A lot of them are betting on me for top ten, but that’s a lousy investment.” He takes a large bite from his burger and swallows. “They should be betting on me being first.”

Good god he’s a cocky little shit.

“Shuî, you do realize he was joking about the whole ‘burgers are human flesh’ thing, right?” Ash asks, laughing a little.

“Yeah, I just… I’m not really hungry anymore.” Shuî says, looking at the ground. Honestly, I don’t really blame him. I was already nervous before, but now I think I have to be done.

“Fin, come on, man, you ruined burgers for a poor, helpless soul. What kind of ‘welcoming committee’ would do that?” Ash pouts, though it’s clearly fake.

“He never had burgers before?" Fin shakes his head. "Man, you Stiffs are weird."

"Well, I'm not a Stiff anymore." Shuî looks him in the eye, challenging him. Of course, Fin is intimidating as shit, and those deep blue eyes scare Shuî away after a moment.

The dining hall quiets down. I turn to see a Dauntless man, not much older than us, with greasy, long hair and too many piercings to count. He must be important, because everyone stares.

"Who's that?" I ask.

"Fuckin' Eric Coulter." Fin's nose shrivels up in disgust. "One of the new leaders of Dauntless. Transferred in from Erudite and got second place, so he got a cushy job. He's a real asshole."

"Who got first?" Ash asks.

"Four."

I look over, and coincidentally, Eric is talking to Four. They seem tense, and I can understand why. But wait, if Four got first, why didn't he become a leader? 

The more I look at Four, the more I realize how game he looks. He doesn't have any facial piercings, like Eric's entire face or Fin's nose, and he doesn't have any visible tattoos, though there might be some under his shirt. He's handsome, not in a Dauntless way, but in a plain sort of way.

"He's not Dauntless born either, is he?" I ask.

"Nope. Don't remember where he's from, and he certainly isn't telling." Fin shrugged and finished off his second burger. Damn, he eats fast.

"He's from Abnegation." Shuî says, staring right at him. "I don't remember anything about him, but he went to my church."

I can tell Shuî's lying and knows exactly who Four is. But why would he not just say it? Maybe Four's someone important. Who in Abnegation is important? And notably, who left?

The pieces click into place. 

One, the Erudite's articles about Abnegation cite abuse, especially from a certain Marcus Eaton.

Two, Marcus had a son that escaped to Dauntless.

Three, they have the same deep blue eyes, monotone voice, and stiff posture.

Four is Tobias Eaton.

I look at Ash, and it seems like he's figured it out too. Do I say something? Obviously, he doesn't want his identity revealed, because he would have gone by Tobias. Plus, I'm sure he'd get harassed by people who don't understand abuse, calling him a coward. Ash seems to agree that we shouldn't say anything. So, if we're correct, Erudite's articles are true, at least to an extent. I've always written them off as gossip, unfounded in reality and only existing to cause trouble, but now I'm not so sure.

Who else in this room has already figured it out? I'm not clever enough to have made the connection without Shuî mentioning that he's from Abnegation, but an observant person may connect the dots. Eye color isn't the only clue, but that combined with their similar faces, I'm sure someone else knows.

I bite my lip. If this is all true, what else is? The Prior family helping the faction hoard food? Are they abusive too? Both of their kids fled. And what about all of the other accusations? Are they shots in the dark, or do they know much, much more than I gave them credit for?

And what about Shuî? He has a knife. Why does an Abnegation boy need a knife?

I look into his eyes, hoping to find answers, but I only get more questions.


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter 5

"The first thing you'll learn today is how to use a gun. The second is how to win a fight." Four says, voice serious as always. I knew he'd be overseeing our training, but I didn't know he'd be directly training our group. Lucky us. 

He passes out the guns, and I take mine apprehensively. Logically, I know it's just a tool, but it's so much more. It's the power to change someone's life forever. It's the power to kill. Holding it makes me feel cold and wrong, but I swallow those feelings. 

I signed up for this. This is what I have to learn.

“We believe that preparation eradicates cowardice, which we define as the failure to act in the midst of fear,” says Four. “Therefore each stage of initiation is intended to prepare you in a different way. The first stage is primarily physical; the second, primarily emotional; the third, primarily mental.”

"What does firing a gun have to do-" Peter yawns. "With bravery?"

Four presses his gun to Peter's temple. "Wake up. You're holding a loaded gun, you idiot. Act like it."

His yawn triggers me to yawn. Yawns are a funny thing; we still don't know what causes them. I've always been a sympathetic yawner. Thinking about yawning makes me yawn again.

Ash yawns from across the room. Did he get enough sleep last night? I heard thrashing, but there's a good chance it was Will. Jeez, he thrashes so much. One time, when we were thirteen, our apartment was being renovated and I needed to sleep at his place. We shared a bed, since neither of us wanted to sleep on the floor, but while he slept, he kicked me off the bed. Literally, he thrashed so much I fell on the floor. We laugh about it now, but my back hurt so bad back then.

I'm glad Will accepts my gender identity without question. He was a little upset that I didn't say anything back in Erudite, but mostly because he kept calling me a girl and accidentally upsetting me.

"And to answer your question-" Oh, right, I'm supposed to be paying attention. "You'll be less likely to soil yourself and cry for Mommy if you're prepared." I mean, he's right. It still doesn't make me feel any better about having a gun. 

"Now, let me demonstrate the proper technique."

And something very important occurs to me. Four is a terrible instructor.

I mean, seriously! He "shows" us how, but doesn't really explain how anything works. Did he even want to teach? I mean, I'd rather have him than Eric --those poor souls that got stuck with him, if he's also an instructor-- but man, he's awful. He clearly didn't come from Erudite.

Well, I suppose that's not true. Erudite members often don't make the best teachers. They have a hard time dumbing down complex ideas for the common people.

I copy the movements of the people around me, taking into account their mistakes. The kickback startles me the first time, and it nearly hits my face, but I'm able to correct for it the next time.

A few minutes later, I'm the first to hit the target. It's not the center, not even close, but it's there. Shortly after, Ash hits his target. But hey, I was still first. Being siblings, we were often pitted against each other, mostly as a joke, but I always feel a sense of confidence when I'm better than him at something, no matter how rare that may be.

After a while, Tris is the only one who hasn't hit the target yet.

"You know," Will says. "Statistically speaking, you should have hit the target by now."

"Is that so?" Tris says with absolutely no inflection.

"Yeah. I think you’re actually defying nature." He smirks and hits the target again.

"Stop being such a dick, Will." But I'm still smiling, because I'm used to him being a pedantic shit.

"What, you and I both know spite is an excellent motivator." He shrugs. And soon enough, Tris hits the target, much closer to the center than my first shot was. "You see, statistics don't lie."

She smiles a little, and I roll my eyes. "Yeah, yeah, you were being helpful and totally not just a meanie."

"Your words carry such venom, Crimson." 

God, he's such a sarcastic snot. I love him so much, he's my best friend ever.

By the end of our practice, I ended up being one of the most consistent shots. Sure, Ash hit dead center a ew more times than I did, but he also missed more. Once I got the hang of things, I was hitting the center ring almost every time. Maybe initiation won't be so bad after all.

0-0-0-0-0

Lunch is a bit quieter than last night. It's mostly initiates, but there's still a few older Dauntless who come by and take food off the platters to take back to their workplaces. It's all sandwich stuff, mostly deli meats, but a few leaves of lettuce find their way on to other people's sandwiches.

We idly chat about our training. Fin reveals that most of them already had some level of practice with guns, so they had harder to reach targets, like ones peeking out behind walls or hiding in the ceiling. Honestly, it sounded really fun.

After a few minutes, I catch Shuî making the most disgusted face. I follow his eyes and see Myra and Edward kissing. They're always like this.

"What's up, Shuî?" Ash looks over too.

"A kiss is not something you do in public." Shuî tears his eyes away and looks back down at his food.

Fin starts laughing, just a little too loud than warranted. "Holy shit, Stiff, I didn't realize you were that much of a prude!"

Ash laughs a little too. "Even in Erudite, kissing is fine, as long as you're not jamming your tongues down each other's throats." 

"Looks like you have a lot to learn then, Ash." Fin smirks, and then pulls him into the deepest kiss I've ever seen.

Holy shit. They've known each other for eighteen hours, and then they just… they're just making out. And I really, really don't want to watch. At first, it feels like a joke, and they'll stop any second, but nope, they just keep going and going.

Shuî looks like he's about to die of embarrassment. I've never seen anyone redder, and that's including myself when I'm sunburnt. 

"Hey, uh, you want to sit somewhere else?" I ask, standing up.

"Please." 

I scan the room and find a couple of empty seats next to Will and his friends. Good. It's a shame I haven't been able to sit with him before. Well, I guess there's only been two meals before this.

"Hey, Will, you mind if we sit here?" I ask. 

"Not at all. What's up?"

I sit next to him, and Shuî sits across from me. "Okay, so, you know how Edward and Will started making out, right?"

"A kiss still isn't something you do in public." Tris shakes her head.

"Shuî said the exact same thing!" I laugh a little. "So yeah, Shuî said that, then Fin laughed about how much of a prude he is, and then Ash said something, and that's the story of how my brother's making out with some Dauntless guy he met less and a day ago."

Will glances over. "Holy shit, they're really into it."

"Nah," Christina says. "It's mostly for show." 

That's less reassuring. Honestly, I don't want to think about it either way.

"It's the first time I've seen two boys kiss." Shuî says, still looking down at his food.

The rest of us, minus Tris, all look at each other. I know Abnegation members are mostly straight, but really? Never even seen a gay kiss?

"Gay marriage is illegal in Abnegation." Tris says. "Marriage is for procreation."

I should have known that. "Man, that's dumb as shit." I shake my head. 

"Isn't Abnegation suffering a population crisis?" Will adds. "I know it's not as bad as the Dauntless one, but the birth rate is still below the death and   
transfer rate."

"Still, it's not like being gay is a big deal." Al shrugs. He smells like lemongrass. Did he take soap from home? The Dauntless soap smells kind of weird. "It's just a part of who you are."

“It really is a big deal.” Shuî’s eyes were wide. “Like, what about your family? How are you supposed to live without bringing forth children? How can anyone be okay with contributing to the population crisis?” He shakes his head. “I can’t wrap my head around just… being okay with that.”

“Actually, not everyone is required to have kids in order to keep a population going,” says Will. “And couples that can’t conceive, whether it be because they’re gay or infertile or whatever, can alway adopt children that have been left behind. If every couple had children, then there would be less resources to go around.” He shrugs. “We already don’t have enough to support all the factionless.”

Shuî stays quiet, and I can tell he’s contemplating things. He has an odd guilty look on his face. Why would he be guilty? 

Oh.

Shuî’s gay.

Oh.

I glance over to Will, and he seems to have caught on too. Al and Christina give each other a knowing smile, while Tris pushes her peas around on her plate, tuned out of the conversation entirely. Even here in Dauntless, she’s still choosing plain food. Why are they even serving peas with sandwiches anyway? 

“Also, you’re going to see a lot more LGBT people here in Dauntless.” Will says. “Non-traditional relationships are apparently the most prevalent here. At least percentage wise.”

“Candor has high rates too.” Christina says. “Though, we’re probably the most honest with our stats, all things considered.” Then, after a moment, she adds, “I’m bi, by the way. In case anyone has anything to say about it.”

“Same.” Will and I both say. He continues, “Yeah, it’s a running joke that half of teenage Erudite are bi. They say it’s because everyone want to learn everything, including about sex.” It’s true, at least among our friends. Myra and Edward are both bisexual as well, and quite a few of our aquaintences were too. Sebastian was our token straight friend.

My heart aches every time I think about Sebby, and it’s only been a day. I hope it gets easier, but I know it won’t, at least for a while.

"Hey, I think it's time to get back to training," Al says after a few minutes. I look over to the doors, and a few other groups seem to be heading back to the training rooms.

As I throw away my food, I look over to Shuî. Poor kid. Hopefully Dauntless will suit him much better.

0-0-0-0-0

Four is much better at showing us how to fight. He demonstrates each punch with care, showing them in slow motion so we can copy his movements before striking the bag with full force. He's strong, stronger than anyone I've known, other than maybe Edward.

Edward already seems to know everything Four demonstrates. He's been studying hand to hand combat since he was ten, so this must be cake to him. Myra has good form as well, but she seems to be struggling to get the power required.

Will and Ash have little difficulty learning how to throw a punch. I'm glad, because I'm struggling. If all three of us struggled, we might be fucked, but if those two can do well, that's all that matters to me.

Then again, it would feel really good to be able to get this goddamn bag to move. No matter how hard I try, I can't get it to budge. The thing probably weighs as much as I do. 

At some point, Four comes up to me. "You seem frustrated."

"You think?" I huff, trying one of the punches again. "Can't even make this thing move."

"Don't worry about having the required force yet," Four says. "You're small and untrained. It's not surprising you don't have the muscle yet." 

"Gee, thanks." I roll my eyes.

"Don't worry about power. Get your technique down first." Oh, that actually sounds reasonable. "And since you're small, focus on your speed. Maneuverability is something a lot of first time fighters take for granted. You may not be able to take a punch, but that doesn't have to matter if you don't get hit." 

I smile a little and look up at him. He's handsome. Of course, flirting with my instructor would be highly inappropriate. And besides, I really don't want to deal with a former Abnegation and all of their romantic hangups. And besides, he's professional. It's not like he'd ever flirt back, even if I did try. Flirting would lead to all sorts of trouble. Favoritism. Rejection. Potentially getting fired, depending on how Dauntless works. He wouldn't risk it, right?

And then his hand is on Tris's stomach. He's practically whispering in her ear, and she's blushing like mad. She doesn't seem scared, at least.

Eh, at least she's prepared to deal with Abnegation's hang ups. I just hope she's not being taken advantage of.

Does she know he's Tobias Eaton? She's got to, right? She's not stupid, as far as I know. Maybe they flirted back in their home faction and are just picking back off where they left off.

I really hope Four isn't just being a creep.

0-0-0-0-0

By the end of the day, my body is so sore. I'm never hurt this much. My knuckles are split, and every part of my body that hit the punching bag stings.

I'm not strong enough for this. How am I supposed to continue when my body is already? Tomorrow's just going to be worse. 

I look over at Ash. He seems tired too, but a happy kind of exhaustion. He seems fulfilled. His hands are bruised and split, like mine, and somehow he has a bruise on his neck.

Oh wait. That's a hickey.

"So, you going to sit with your new boyfriend?" I ask. God, I really don't want to think about it, but it just kind of slipped out.

"Boyfriend?" Ash quirks an eyebrow. "Fin and I aren't dating."

"Oh." I mean, of course they wouldn't be. You wouldn't date someone you just met. You'd just jam your tongue down their throat and-

God that imagery is gross. Tongues are gross. Why would you kiss somebody using your tongue anyway? It's not like I haven't kissed anybody. I've kissed both Will and Sebastian in slaphappy games of Candor or Dauntless. Also, on a field trip when I was fourteen or so, some random Amity girl kissed me goodbye. All of those kisses were light, lips only. Every other kiss I've had were cheek or forehead kisses.

Still, part of me wants to know what it's like to kiss someone with tongue. Most of me doesn't, but there's a speck of curiosity that I can't quite contain. 

"Yeah, honestly, I don't think it's going to happen." Huh. I try to read Ash's face, and he just seems so casual about it. "It was funny as a joke, but I didn't feel any spark, you know?"

Yeah, I know. I feel that spark with basically everyone. I'm just not used to it meaning anything, since I'm too much of a coward to go for it. 

"I think your 'joke' made Shuî reexamine his entire life." I glance back at Shuî, who's in the back of our group, staring at the ground as he walks. He doesn't hear us. Good.

"Damn, Abnegation is screwed up. Boy doesn't even want to watch two lanky ass Dauntless make out." He shakes his head, a grin on his face. "What a shame."

“For one, no one wanted to watch it. It was gross and you should feel bad.” I stick out my tongue in disgust. “But two, I think he did want to watch.”

Ash takes a second to process. “Oh, he’s gay? Is that supposed to be surprise?”

“To us, no, but to him?” I glance back again. He’s still not paying attention. Thank God the path from the training room to the Canteen is safe. “I don’t think he ever let himself even think about it.” 

“Damn. And I thought Erudite could be insufferable about it. Remember that Life Sciences teacher who kept insisting that being gay was a genetic anomoly that they still haven’t found a cure for?” Ash rolls his eyes. “It’s like he’s never even heard of the Gay Uncle Theory.”

“Isn’t that the one where if a parent has a gay or otherwise non-reproducing sibling, their own child will be better taken care of because it’s like they have three parents instead of two?” I say, knowing I’m right. “We talked about this sort of thing at lunch. You know, while you were busy making out with a stranger.”

Ash chuckles and shoves me to the side slightly, like we did when we were kids. We used to be reprimanded for it, as professionalism was a virtue even at the age of seven, but here it just seems natural. In fact, everyone around me is acting like a kid. When we get to the Canteen, half the Dauntless are involved in a food fight, lobbing mashed potatoes and peas at each other. Part of me is horrified at the amount of food their wasting, but a new part swells with childish joy.

Maybe I do belong here. Maybe just by joining, I can gain the virtues necessary to succeed. 

A glob of mashed potato lands in my hair, and I burst out laughing.

Yeah, I’ll make it.


	6. Chapter 6

"I want to get a tattoo," Al announces after dinner. Shuî and I sat with their group again, and this time, Ash joined us. Fin sat elsewhere, presumably with other friends.

"Why?” I ask at the same time that Will asks, “A tattoo of what?”

Al seems almost giddy. “I don’t know.” He laughs. “I just want to feel like I’ve actually left the old faction. Stop crying about it.” He looks to the ground, and no one replies. “I know you’ve heard me.”

“Yeah, learn to quiet down, will you?” Christina pokes his arm. It sounded so mean, but Al doesn’t seem too bothered. Candor’s weird like that. They don’t take personal offense to things as much. “I think you’re right. We’re half in, half out. If we want all the way in, we should look the part.” She gives Tris a pointed look.

“No. I will not cut my hair,” She says. “Or dye it a strange color. Or pierce my face.”

“What about your belly button?” Christina asks.

“Or your nipple.” Will snorts.

Tris groans as I elbow Will in the stomach.

“You know, Will,” Ash says. “The way you said that kind of implies she only has one nipple.”

“Hey, we don’t know that she doesn’t.” Will shrugs. “Only one way t-”

I elbow him harder. “Stop right there. Don’t embarrass her.”

“Fine,” He groans. Whoa, did I do any actual damage?

“Actually, I’ll meet you guys at the tattoo parlor in a bit. I need to take Tris and Shuî clothes shopping.” Christina says.

“Why?” Shuî asks.

“What is wrong with my clothes?” Tris asks. “I’m not wearing grey anymore.”

“They’re ugly and gigantic. And Shuî, you’re wearing a turtleneck in June. You’re actually going to die if you don’t wear something lighter.” She sighs. “Look, if you guys don’t like what I put you in, you don't have to wear them again, I promise. And honestly, I just want to go try makeup."

Right, Candor can't wear makeup. I understand why, but it's dumb. "I'll go with you if you want makeup advice! And besides, I need some shirts that aren't form-fitting."

"Eh, I'll come too. All my shirts may as well be crop tops." Ash says. I'm sure we can find something to fit him, given that Fin's a couple inches taller and has fitting clothes. Though, Fin is all leg, so maybe that won't help in the shirt department. Oh well, it's worth a shot.

We go up one of the narrow, twisting paths in a line because that's all we can fit. I'm sure we're holding up all the Dauntless, but I can't imagine running on something twenty feet in the air and steadily rising.

After a couple minutes, we arrive at Dauntless Outfitters. It looks like there are a few more boutiques up further, but I really don't want to climb that high. 

"Welcome to Dauntless Outfitters!" A woman with a million different ear piercings and triangle tattoos on her cheeks says in greeting, clapping her hands together. "I'm Jaquie. Are you guys new to Dauntless?"

"What, did Turtleneck overhear give us away?" Christina grins.

Jaquie laughs a little. "Well, if you're looking for inspiration, our store and the other stores have put together a catalog to help new Dauntless find their style." She hands us a couple of magazines. "The stores higher up cater to more stylized looks, while our store covers the basics. We also have a thrift section in the back with discounted items from various stores, so you may be able to find the perfect piece of clothing for you!"

Christina hands back the magazine. "Thank you, but I already have a few ideas for Tris here. Ash, Crimson, you guys got Shuî?"

"Yeah, sure!" I grin.

"Good luck. You'll need it." She takes Tris and leads her over to the dress section.

"Wow, she's blunt." Ash snorts. "Yo, sorry to ditch, but I need to find the Big and Tall section, so have fun!"

"Oh, okay…" I've never even dressed myself like a proper boy, especially not a Dauntless boy. How am I supposed to figure out something that Shuî will agree to?

"Hey, you want to look through the catalog?" Shuî asks. "Because I thought I was dressed fine, so I'm hopeless without help.

"Yeah, let's."

We sit down on a bench and hold it between us. Honestly, there's a lot of variance. There's casual looks with just tee shirts and jeans; more utilitarian outfits with lots of pockets, even some built in places to store guns or ammo; some that almost look like they came out of Candor, with sharp angles and bold expressions; even professional looks, which I didn't expect, but man can that blonde model rock a blazer. 

That blonde model is really pretty, actually. She has warm brown eyes, and even in the more serious pictures, you can tell the serious expression she's wearing breaks into a laugh the moment the camera is put away.

"Oh, hey, it's me!" 

I look up, and yep, that's the model, grinning wildly.

"Sorry, I didn't mean to butt in, I just saw one of my pictures and got excited." She giggles. "I'm Marlene. I take it you guys are new to Dauntless?"

"Oh, uh, yeah." God she's pretty. "I'm Crimson, by the way."

"Oh, you're the boy, aren't you?" The boy. You know, when I came out as transgender, I didn't think everyone would immediately catch on. I thought I'd constantly have to reintroduce myself, but so far, everyone seems to know who I am. I guess I'm recognizable. I'm short with a big nose and bright red hair. Speaking of hair, I really should get mine fixed. It's still strange, though. People know who I am. They're taking bets on me. 

"Yeah, I am." I smile a little.

"And let me guess, you're that Abnegation boy."

Shuî looks surprised anyone noticed him. "How did you-"

"You're wearing a turtleneck in June." She grins. "It's pretty obvious you've never gotten to choose your own clothing."

Shuî looks down at the ground.

"Anyway, I'm off to drop some clothes off at the thrift section. The drawers in the dorms don't hold that much, so I figured it's time to let some go. It was nice to meet you guys!" Marlene bounces off and starts talking to a girl with a shaved head who’s holding a couple bags of clothes. She seems happy to be with Marlene, but the second she catches my gaze, she scowls like she’d rather be anywhere else. It seems so fake though. Does she just want to seem tough in front of initiates? Because if so, I really don’t mind what other people do. In fact, it’s nice to see even the tough Dauntless being human.

“So, uh, have any ideas in mind?” Honestly, I can’t see him going for anything other than a plain style, at least on his own. Maybe it’s for the best. I’ll probably end up less adventurous than most as well. I just want clothes with pockets.

“Not really.”

“Well, let’s head to the thrift section then. I don’t know how many points we’ll get over the course of Initiation, so I don’t want to spend a bunch, you know?”

“I just think it’s weird having a choice in my own clothing.” Good God, they didn’t even have a choice in clothing? Then again, who would choose ugly, gigantic robes? “I’ve never had money of any kind to spend for myself, either.”

“So, was everything just delivered to you then?” I ask as we start heading back to the thrift room.

"We picked up new clothes every six months. Food was every two weeks. You got what you got."

"Wait, so what about food allergies?" 

Shuî shrugged. "Some people would work with you. Others would say it's selfish to ask for something different."

"Even if it's something you can't eat?" I shake my head. "I see why you left."

When we get to the thrift area, I instantly notice that there's no Women's or Men's sections. Instead, it's just organized by size. I mean, I did see a couple men wearing skirts in the catalogue. Is clothing just not gendered here? I mean, it's nice, don't get me wrong, but if cis men wear skirts, then even if I dress masculine, people will just assume I'm a girl in men's clothing. Is that selfish? Probably. Luckily, I didn't get Abnegation on my aptitude test. Still, it's a rude take that I need to get over. Clothing shouldn't be gendered, even if it would be convenient.

"Uh, what size am I?" Shuî asked. "I'm assuming I'm not small."

I look him up and down. He's relatively tall, around six feet, but thin as a toothpick. "Probably medium on shirts. With pants, maybe a 28 or a 30? Your shirt's kind of loose, so it's hard to see exactly." He looks around the store, wide eyed. "Hey, why don't you pick a few pieces and we'll go from there? Meet at the changing room in ten minutes?"

"Oh, uh, sure?" 

I feel bad leaving him on his own, but I need to get clothes for myself too. Ten minutes should be enough time to at least grab some shirts. I worry for a moment that there won't be many plain t-shirts, but then I stumble upon a rack that's literally just black t-shirts. Perfect. I try to grab ones that'll be comfortable to train in, since that's what I'll be doing most of the time. I try to get comfy athletic shorts to match, though I do grab a couple that are more pocket than pants. While I’m at it, I grab a few sports bras that will hopefully flatten down my chest a bit. 

I met Shuî back at the changing area. "Find anything you like?"

"Maybe?" That's not a good sign. I still down my basket and look through his. It's all long sleeves.

"Shuî. It's summer. Get some short sleeves, please." I groan. Am I going to have to wrestle him into properly fitting clothing? 

"It's just… Abnegation forbade short sleeves. It's not something I'm used to." He shook his head.

"Look, I'm not asking you to strip down in front of everyone. I just don't want you to overheat." I pinch the bridge of my nose. Good Christ, Abnegation has failed this boy. "Please. Just some short sleeves. Nothing more. I promise." 

Shuî mulls it over for far longer than he should. It's really starting to get on my nerves. "Okay, let's go find some."

A few minutes later, I've finally wrangled him into some short sleeved shirts. Why did that take so much effort? He steps out of the changing area, and he looks good. I knew he would. He crosses his arms in front of his chest, and he looks down at the ground. "I feel naked."

"You look good though." I smile. "You, uh, have good arms. That probably sounds weird." How'd he get so strong looking anyway? Sure, he's skinny, but in a muscley way, apparently. What did Abnegation do to him?

I find out a moment later.

He turns around to go try a different one on, and I realize the back of this shirt goes down further than I expected, and the hem's a little high up. Okay, not a shirt for someone his height. But beyond the too small fabric, I can faintly make out scars. Not the kind of scars you get as a child playing in places you're not supposed to. No, they're the kind that come from whips, chains, belts.

Oh.

"Shuî?" I ask, my hand slowly reaching out to touch them. I pull it back, realizing that touching him wouldn't be a good idea. "Did they hurt you in Abnegation?"

Shuî's eyes are blank as he swivels them towards me. "I wasn't the kind of Abnegation they wanted me to be." He shrugs slightly. "It's normal."

"Shuî, that's not normal." My eyes start to water. How long did he live like this? Is this what every Abnegation child goes through? The reports are right after all.

"It's how it is." And to hear his voice so defeated? It breaks me. I can't stop myself, so I wrap my arms around him and press into his back. He stiffens at the sudden touch.

"I'm so sorry you had to go through that. That's not fair." I try and stifle my sobs. After all, we're still in a clothing store's dressing room. 

"Crimson, it's okay. Next year, Jiao will transfer to Amity, and everything will be okay." Is he crying to? His voice is hitching, at least. "Then we'll never have to think about that place again."

We stay the for a moment before he finally relaxes, and I stop crying and let go of him. I glance around. No one's around. Good. 

"Hey, can you keep this between us? For now anyway."

Part of me wants to tell him to let everyone know how bad it really is, to get the word out, to tell the truth. But he's not ready yet, and I can't force him. We only arrived yesterday, after all. He's still dealing with it. "Of course."

I hope his sister will be okay. 

After a moment,we get back to him trying on clothes. He finds some he likes, and a couple that he doesn't like the texture of. We run to get him some shorts too, though they also make him somewhat uncomfortable. He takes a deep breath and pushes through, and soon, he has enough clothes to actually get him through the summer. 

"Hey, guys."

I turn to see Ash leaning against a pole, dressed in entirely new clothes. Combat boots, shorts with chains hanging off the belt loops and criss crossing over each other, a snapback hat with the bill pointing backwards, and a tank top where the arm holes go all the way to the bottom. He looks like a jackass.

"Why are you dressed like Fin?" Shuî asks.

Oh, my god, he is, but he's failing to capture the aesthetic. Sure, Fin may be skinny, but there's also muscle. Ash isn't necessarily the stereotypical Erudite dough-boy that some people picture, but he's certainly not well muscled. Even his legs don't compare to the average Dauntless.

"What do you think?" He asks, putting his hands behind his head.

"I think you need to shave your pits." I smirk.

"Hey, look at your legs. You can't tell me to shave anywhere." He laughs.

"My legs? Your hair is black. Look at your own goddamn legs, they're worse than mine." Besides, it's not like shaving your pits is hard. Legs are a commitment. 

"Hey, my hair's not staying black." 

"It's not?"

He comes up and shows us a small clump. Quite a few silver hairs are poking through. "Already going grey. May as well bleach it white and have fun with it." 

"I didn't realize it was possible to go grey this early." Shuî comments. 

"Yeah, Dad has been at least mostly grey in all my memories of him." Ash stands up straight and fixes his hair. "Grandpa was too, I think." 

Oh yeah, Grandpa. It's been a couple years since he's visited from Candor. After all, lawyers are always busy. Sometimes I got the impression that the father/son relationship there was strained, but Grandpa always brought us pastries from a cafe in Candor. After all, he was the only grandparent we ever spoke to. Ash's mom's family had allegedly disowned her before she passed. My mother and her parents didn't speak. According to her, she went a different direction in life than they wanted, so they didn't speak. She always reassured me that they all still loved each other, even if they didn't like each other. And my dad's parents? Well, I don't even know my dad, so it would make no sense for me to know his parents. Erudite in general wasn't known for strong extended family relationships. 

Part of me wants to ask Shuî what grandparents are like in Abnegation, but I think back to the way he was earlier and decide otherwise. 

"Anyway, you guys want to go check out the makeup section?" Ash asks. I don't plan on wearing it much during initiation, but I may as well buy some for days off. I shrug. "Shuî, want me to do your makeup for you."

"I've, uh, never worn any. Abnegation forbids it. Also, uh, I kinda thought it was for girls." 

I can't help it. I throw my head back as I laugh. "Boy, have you ever even seen an Erudite? Boys wear more makeup than girls, I swear." It feels nice to be able to include myself in that statement. I don't have to be careful about not saying "other boys", because now everyone knows I'm a boy. Sure, I may not be a natural born boy, but I'm sure Fin's hair isn't naturally blue, so what's the difference? No one here in Dauntless seems to give a shit, and it's perfect.

"I won't put that much on you, I promise." Ash smiles. "I just think you'll look good, you know?" 

Shuî blushes a little. "Oh, uh, I guess that's alright then."

The three of us pay for our clothes, then head over to the makeup section of the store. I look around, and there's far more color than I've ever seen in makeup. Back in Erudite, even though we did elaborate looks, we stuck to neutrals and blues. The boldest we ever got is white eyeliner. Here, there's neons, pastels, jewel tones, and everything in between. The men and women in the advertisements wore colors of lipstick that I'd never even think to put on my lips. Contouring wasn't the soft, natural look we were used to. Instead, harsh lines and dramatic colors ruled over. Even still, some of the models wore no contour or foundation at all, letting their eyes and lips do all the work. 

There's an aisle marked for new makeup artists. In it, there's a build your own makeup kit. Three lipsticks, three eyeliners, two eyeshadow quads, two blushes, a foundation, and a color correcting set for only three points. Sure, none of the products were huge, but it would be enough to figure out a bit more of my own style. 

"Here, I'll help Shuî build himself a set. After all, you wrangled him into short sleeves.” Ash says, looking at his arms. “Also, god damn, how did you get so strong in Abnegation, of all places?”

Shuî looks down at the ground. “Uh, I guess volunteering helped. I mostly unloaded trucks.” 

Still doesn’t explain the knife. Is he ever going to explain that? Then again, I haven’t asked him. Still, I get the feeling that there’s more to his strength than he’s letting on.

“Any particular colors you like?” Ash asks.

"Uh, I kind of like blue, I guess."

I laugh to myself as I walk away. If I have to look at any more blue makeup, I'll scream. 

As I walk through the aisle, I let the colors wash over me. Pinks and purples, greens and golds, all kinds of combinations that I'd never even thought about. Some of the quads make sense, and I can imagine where I'd place each color to make a cohesive look. Others just seem like they slapped four random colors that they liked into the pan. Maybe they weren't designed to be cohesive palettes, just little slices of what the creator likes. I end up choosing one with a matte black, shimmery dark grey, a matter light grey, and a sparkling white that would look perfect in my inner corners. For my other quad, I go with a shimmery one with a magenta, a rosy red, a pumpkin orange, and a sunflower yellow. It reminds me of watching the sunset from our apartment building's roof.

Lipsticks are a bit of an easier choice. I end up with a classic red, a peachy nude, and for a little variety, a magenta similar to one of the eye shadows. I end up picking that color up again when it's time to pick out eye liners. It's not my favorite color, that would be green, but it's quickly growing on me. My other two choices are a basic black and brown. I know I could get more creative, but it's not like I can't buy any more makeup. The rest of the items are easy, I just need to match it to my skin type. I probably won't use the foundation or color correcting kit very much, considering I'll probably sweat it all off. Besides, I don't love the way foundation looks on me. I like my skin, red splotches, ance and all.

After I pay for my kit, I head over to an area where we can apply our new makeup. There's a couple other initiates, former Erudite if I had to guess, gossiping as they put on eyeshadow. Part of me wants to talk to them, make new friends, but I don't want to intrude.

"Hey, Crimson!" I turn around, and it's Christina and Tris, wearing brand new outfits. Christina has this really cute crop top with cut outs on the shoulders, and Tris is wearing a simple black dress which would go amazing with a leather jacket. 

"Hey, guys! You look good!" I smile.

"Thank you! You see Tris, we made the right choice." Christina laughs. "It took us ten tries to find an outfit she liked. Shuî give you trouble too?" 

"Oh boy." I laugh. I look back into the store, and I can see him in the aisles talking to Ash. He definitely was trouble, albeit for different reasons. "I had to wrestle him into short sleeves."

"It looks like he's at least okay with makeup, though. Tris is refusing."

"Like I said, you won't be able to make me look pretty." She crosses her arms defensively. 

I frown a bit. "I mean, makeup doesn't necessarily make you pretty, it just enhances the features that you have. And your eyes are gorgeous, and if anyone tells you otherwise, I'll punch them in the face." 

Tris seems to think about it. "Do Christina's first. I still need to decide."

Christina shrugs and sits down in one of the chairs. She hands me the kit she made and smiles. "I want the boy's jaws to drop when they see me."

I smirk. "Oh, we can certainly do that."

It turns out, Christina has a really good eye for color. She picked a gold set and a neutral brown quad that'll work perfectly together and bring out the gold flecks in her hazel eyes. It reminds me of the gold eyeliner mom wore sometimes. For once in her life, she's quiet as I apply her makeup. I don't go for the most complicated look, considering we still have to meet the others at the tattoo parlor, but I'm pretty proud of my work. 

At some point, Ash and Shuî came in without me noticing. Ash is more focused than I've ever seen him as he carefully applies the blue eye shadow. I decide not to bother him.

"Wow, you did amazing!" Christina grins, the deep red lipstick looking so fantastic. Has she really never done makeup? Every color choice she made is perfect. "I don't think I've ever looked this good." She turns to Tris. "You want to look this good too?"

Tris seems nervous, so I interject. "We don't have to do as much to you as we did to her. I can just put some eyeliner and maybe a bit of blush if that would make you more comfortable. And I can wash it off if you really don't like it."

She thinks for a moment, then nods. "Okay, I'll try it." She trades places with Christina, and I get to work. It takes so much less time to finish her makeup, since I’m just rimming her eyes in a think line of black. I’m tempted to give her a proper cat eye look, but I don’t want to scare her. Also, as I’m working, I notice how good her skin is. She's pale, like me, but the tone is even and she has relatively little ance. Damn, what kind of skin care routines do they do in Abnegation.

When I'm done, she looks in the mirror, and for once in the short time I've known her, she doesn't look away. She's captivated by her looks, but not in the vain way many of my fellow Erudite are, but in a curious way, like she's meeting a new person.

"You see? You look… striking." It's a backhanded compliment from Christina, but Tris doesn't seem to be offended. Instead, she looks at her reflection with even more intensity. 

"Hey, Ash, want us to wait for you or go ahead to the tattoo parlor?" I ask. Part of me wants to try the makeup for myself, but the ideas I have in mind would take up too much time. 

"You can go. I'm trying something new." Ash uses his hand to cover up the area he's working on. No spoilers for me, I guess.

"Come on, let's show off your work." Christina takes me by the wrist and Tris by hers, and then drags us out of the shop. I'm sure the sight looks funny to an outsider, given how talk she is and how fast she's moving. We duck into the tattoo shop where we agreed to meet, and I'm completely out of breath. I glance up at her, and she seems completely unfazed. At least Tris seems to match how out of shape I am. 

When we enter the shop, I'm blinded by the neon lights. How do they work like this? The walls are covered in them, shining various shades of oranges and purples across the shop. Do they just not do color tattoos here? I've seen some on other random Dauntless, so maybe they just go to other shops for those.

After a couple moments, we spot the boys. Al's getting a tattoo, and Will is sitting in a chair next to him, laughing about something. We head over, and holy shit, why is all getting a tattoo of a spider? I recoil a bit, trying to hide it so he doesn’t think I’m recoiling at him.

When Will looks at Christina, his jaw drops a little. "Wow. I mean, uh, hi." 

She smirks at me a little, then turns back to Will, placing her hand on her hip. "Like what you see?"

"Yeah, you look great." His eyes linger on her for just a moment before looking at the rest of us. "You all look great." His eyes settle on me. "Did you do this?"

"I mean, I put on the makeup, but Christina picked everything out. Honestly, she has a great eye for color." I smile.

"Yeah, I've always had a knack for art. It was always my favorite class, even with all of the Amity. I swear they're the fakest people. They act so nice, but man, if you ever hear them gossip, they can be so brutal. Yet Candor gets the bad rep." She shakes her head. "Hey, Will, want to go look at tattoo ideas? I don't think I'm going to get one tonight, but I want to get some ideas for next time."

"Yeah, sure!" The two of them go over to one of the columns, taking the glass stencils and showing them to each other. Tris goes to talk to one of the other tattoo artists, leaving me alone with Al and his creepy spider tattoo.

He looks at me as I try and look at anything but his shoulder. "You don't like spiders, do you?"

"How'd you guess?" 

"I'm pretty good at reading emotions, but honestly, even the most emotionally illiterate could get a good read on you." He smiles a little before wincing. Right, tattoos hurt.

"Is that an insult? I can never tell with Candor."

"Some people might say it like one, but I don't think being expressive is a bad thing. If everyone could just show their emotions and talk things out, the world would be so much better." He paused for a moment. "Oh, and I don't like spiders either. The way they move creeps me out."

"Exactly! Like, I know how important they are to the ecosystem, but good god, why do they need so many legs anyway?" Finally, someone who understands. The others would always mock me because they're assholes. I guess it's not the most rational fear, but come one, even Sebby would join in the teasing, and he's normally the nice one. Well, I'm the one who's consistently nice to everyone, but Sebby's almost always nice to me. Anyway, back to the present. "But if you're scared of them too, why are you getting a tattoo of one?"

The tattoo artist, a wiry man with an equally wiry grey goatee, speaks up. "In Dauntless, it's customary to get tattoos representing your fears. Some choose to wait until they've overcome the fear, while others get them to help get over it. It's a form of exposure therapy, if you will." He smiles as he works, precise with the needle, hands never shaking or faltering. 

"Makes sense." I still don't want a spider permanently tattooed on my skin. Not yet. 

We sit in silence for a few minutes. I don't want to ditch him, but I don't really have anything else to say. He seems fine with not talking either, so that's good at least. Sometimes it's nice to just sit with someone and enjoy their company. I've never really gotten much silence from my friends, which is nice in it's own respect, but occasionally I wished they'd just shut up for five minutes.

After a little bit, Ash and Shuî finally come into the shop. I look back over at Al. "Hey man, mind if I dip and go talk to them?"

"Yeah, no problem." Al grimaces. Another reason I'm not ready for a tattoo: my pain tolerance is shit.

"Hope your tattoo turns out well, even if I never look at it!" I get up and bounce over to my brother.

Before I can even get in a word, my eyes lock onto Shuî's face. Holy shit, Ash went fucking balls to the wall Avant Garde on him. The look's already dramatic, with a metallic blue gradient of eye shadow and thick black eyeliner pulled up into a sharp wing, but then on the left side of his face (well, his right, but this is my perspective, damn it), the eyeliner doesn't stop. Instead, it curls and cascades down his cheek like vines, tumbling and spiralling. At the ends of each little branch, tiny blue flowers bloom with detail that I wouldn't expect from makeup.

"Holy shit, Ash." Also, God damn, Shuî's handsome. "Didn't realize you could do shit like this." 

"Neither did I." He smirks and puts a hand on Shuî's shoulder. "Luckily I have a willing test dummy here."

Shuî flushes a little. "It still feels weird, but I kind of like it. It's different."

"Anyway, you guys know what kind of tattoos you're getting?" I ask. 

"Yeah." Shuî doesn't elaborate further. I choose not to ask.

"I think I'm going to get an eye with the Dauntless flame as the pupil." Ash shrugs. "It's probably generic, but fuck it, you know? You getting anything?"

"Not yet. I don't want to get anything I'm not completely sure on. You guys have fun, though!" 

The two of them go to the counter, and I'm alone. Do I go back to Al? Nah, he's still wincing over there. Tris? She's getting a tattoo too. Didn't she say she wasn't getting one? Will and Christina? I take a couple steps towards them, about to wave and say hi, but something in my heart says to leave them be. Oh. How did I not notice it earlier? I'm not entirely surprised that Will found someone attractive so soon, but it's fine. Really. I'm not sure if it'll go anywhere, but then again, there's a good chance that at least one of our class will be cut, likely three of us. I just don't want him getting attached and them having to say goodbye in a month. That's all it is.

Who am I kidding? She's probably not going to get cut. She's in better shape than most of us. I have nothing to worry about.

I could just go back to the dorms, but I don't really like it there. The beds aren't comfy, and none of my friends would be there. So, I decide to look at the glass stencils, maybe find one I like for next time. My eyes settle on a simple one. The Dauntless flame set in a thick black ring. I've never really gotten the chance to appreciate it, but whoever designed it did an amazing job. I pick up the stencil to get a closer look.

"You know, I'd say about a third of all initiates get that tattoo." A voice behind me says. I yelp a little, almost dropping the stencil before turning around. 

"Holy shit, you scared me." I laugh a little. Fuck, maybe I shouldn't admit that here. 

The man behind me isn't that much taller than me, maybe 5'6, and doesn't look that much older either. He's definitely Dauntless, with gauged ears, a nose ring, and tattoos covering half his arms. Does he work here? I glance over and see a name tag. Rex. What kind of name is Rex? 

"Honestly, I could probably freehand that design with my eye closed. I'm Rex, by the way." 

"Oh, uh, I'm Crimson. And I don't think discouraging people from getting a tattoo is good for business."

"I'm not telling you not to get a tattoo. I'm just saying that it's a common one. I guarantee you that someone in this shop is getting that exact one right now." And then I realize Ash is getting one. I guess Rex is right.

"You said you could freehand it with your eyes closed?" Fuck it, I'm bored. "Try it on me."

"I'm assuming you mean with a pen, right? Because I'm not giving anyone an intentionally shitty tattoo unless they're my friend." He smirks a little and starts heading towards an empty station. "Sounds fun." I put the stencil back and follow him. "Where do you want it, anyway?"

"Uh, where's it most common?"

"Shoulders are probably the most common, though it would be easier to draw on your shoulder blade." Wait, fuck, I'd have to take off my shirt for that. Is that intentional? Is he trying to get me naked? His expression doesn't seem perverted, and Dauntless isn't exactly well known for concealing emotions that aren't fear. Did he just not think about it?

"So, uh, you want me to take off my shirt, right?"

His eyes widen, the purple neon reflecting in the piercing grey. "Fuck, that's not… uh, we can just do it on your shoulder if that's more comfortable for you." He looks sincere about it, and given that here in Dauntless, they don't play coy, I believe him.

But the idea of being shirtless is actually kind of exciting. After all, other boys take off their shirts all the time. Why should I be any different? Any parts that would say otherwise are compressed and (somewhat) hidden under my sports bra. I know I could get a binder to fully flatten everything down, but given that I'm going to be doing intense physical training, I need all the lung capacity I can get. I'm getting off track. Point is, it's not the end of the world to take my shirt off. I glance around to see if anyone I know is nearby, but the coast is clear. I slide off my shirt, using it to cover my front side. "Fuck it, let's do this."

He lays the chair flat, and I get on stomach side down. The leather is cool and strange against my skin. I rest my head on my arms and look back, making sure he keeps his eyes shut. At first, I though his hair was just her black, but from this angle, I can see the dirty blonde roots and stubble. His eyes snap shut the moment his pen touches my skin, and I can feel him trace the large circle. 

For a few moments, I stay quiet. I don't want to try and have a conversation if he's concentrating, but I also want to get to know people. Besides, he came up to me, so maybe it's my turn to talk. Still, I don't want to break his focus.

"So, you're one of Fin's friends, right?" He asks, breaking the silence. Oh thank God. 

"You know him?"

"It's impossible not to if you're around our age." He chuckles. Fair point. "Yeah, he's been my best friend growing up. Even though he's a year younger, he's always been able to rough around with anyone."

"Is he always as…" What single word could describe him?

"Loud?" Close enough. "Yeah, always." His pen presses a little hard into my skin for a moment, but it's back to normal the next.

"Sounds exhausting." I laugh a little, careful not to move my back too much. Then again, even if he messes up, it's just ballpoint pen. "So, since you recognized me, I'm assuming he's mentioned me?"

Rex laughs as well. "Oh boy, you and your friends were all he talked about last night during his tattoo session. Honestly, he's probably coming in tonight just to tell me more. He really likes you guys."

"What did he have to say about me?" I blush a little. I don't know, I just like hearing what other people have to say about me. Or maybe I'm just fishing for praise. Is that really so bad?

"Let's see. Tiny redhead who radiates Amity energy like the sun-" Oh, fuck, is it really that easy to tell? "Oh, and that you're adorable, but I doubt he hasn't told you yet."

"He has." I still can't believe someone just straight up thinks I'm cute and doesn't hide it. I'm sure he's not the first to be attracted to me, but he's the first to be so open about it. Then again, he made out with my brother earlier, so maybe he just feels that way about everyone. I find a lot of people attractive.

"Oh, and just so you know, he may seem incredibly inconsiderate, but if anything he does legitimately bothers you, he'll stop if you tell him." He smirks a bit. "And if he doesn't, just come find me and I'll make him stop." 

"Good to know."

He ends up telling me stories about Fin when he was younger, and just about Dauntless life in general. It really sounds like life here is just about living as who you are, and it's beautiful. Even though my brain keeps gnawing at me, reminding me that I probably won't make it through the first stage, I hold on to the image of a beautiful Dauntless life. 

After a little bug, I hear a familiar stomping. Fin. I can't believe I can recognize his footsteps after a day.

"Hey, Rex!" He throws an arm around Rex's shoulders and places a kiss on his cheek, causing his face to contort in mock disgust. At least I assume he's faking it. Fin glances down at my shoulder. "Yo, why you drawing a dick on Crimson's shoulder."

Fuck. What? Rex grins deviously and opens his eyes. "Well, someone's got to teach him to watch his back."

I groan. At least it'll wash off. Wait, shit, was that a pun? Was he setting this up the whole time?

"God damn it, Rex, did you get him shirtless for just another one of your stupid ass puns? I fucking love you so much." 

He is right, though. I do tend to trust people, even when I have no particular reason to. I know people lie to me, but I guess I just don't get why people are so cynical all the time. Maybe I should work on that, but it just seems so exhausting to distrust people so much. 

Speaking of exhausting, I didn't realize how tired I was until just now. I'm going to sleep so well tonight, so much better than I ever did back home. I love it here, and that's never going to change, even if my friends draw dicks on me.

0-0-0-0-0

A/N: So hi, this is late. I have no excuse, I'm just lazy. But, on the plus side, I've plotted ahead and have some scenes I can't wait to write. This is not edited, we die like men.

So I'm going to be an asshole here and plug the unofficial Divergent Fanfic Discord simply called Divergent. Yeah, we never renamed it after over a year of having it. The invite code is YXGZ88X and shouldn't ever change. What do we do, you may ask? We rip into canon, create headcanons to full in some of the massive gaps the books leave (TBH half of my worldbuilding comes from Ceric, and a good chunk of the rest is from everyone else), and fawn over Jeanine because she's one of the most interesting characters. A couple weeks ago, we actually all (virtually) got together to watch the first Divergent movie, and it was a blast. About one third was ripping into the weird changes they made, another third was poor internet quality and dealing with Kast, and the other third was just me going "oh she's so pretty" about every female character. It was a blast! Come join us if you love/hate the series!


	7. Chapter 7

I slept horribly and I fucking hate it here. The beds suck, everyone snores (especially Will, and I suddenly remember why I hated sleepovers with the boys), and for some god forsaken reason, Eric woke us up by banging pots together. What the fuck is wrong with him? At least he gave us enough time to shower (albeit about a sixth of the time I took back at home, considering I really don't want to spend any amount of time naked with a bunch of near strangers. 

Breakfast is quiet, which is fine by me. Everyone seems to be too groggy to talk. It's like home, where whenever we'd stay at one of the boy's places, they'd sleep in as long as I could, except this time I'm just as tired. Fin doesn't join us, and instead I see him sitting with a different group than I saw yesterday. Of course he has a lot of friends. Though, at some point, I want him to meet Will. That would be a treat and a half. 

After we eat, we shuffle into the training room. Oh, fuck, Eric's here. Is he going to be observing us? Four's scary enough, but Eric? He's one of the few people I've heard Fin actively dislike. 

Our names are written up on the chalkboard, paired up. Will and Al, Ash and Shuî, Christina and Molly, Peter and Drew, Edward and Myra, and Tris and I. 

Oh fuck, we're fighting.

"Well, well, glad to see all of you initiates bright eyed and bushy tailed." He's absolutely lying, we all look like absolute shit. I know for a fact that my dark circles are back (though, have they ever really gone away? Erudite practically requires them), I didn't put on any makeup, and my hair is still wet. Then again, my hair was almost always at least slightly wet when I arrived at my first class. Even the best hair dryers can't get through over two feet of thick hair. "If you haven't figured it out yet, you'll begin fighting today. For the first hour of your day, you'll be paired up and spar. Afterwards, you'll practice your technique, and then after lunch, you'll go back to target practice."

"Your fights will last ten minutes or until there's a clear winner. Please don't try to knock your opponent out, but don't pull your punches either. You'll be scored by your technique and strength, though the numerical values won't be disclosed." God, his voice is so dull. At least Eric has inflection in his tone. "Your rankings-" Oh God, he's still talking. "Will be updated at the end of each week. These rankings are just within your group, and you won't find out how you rank against other groups until the end of Stage One. Even if you're high ranking in your group, if you fall below the twenty-five percent mark, you'll be cut." So literally all of us could fail. Beautiful. Perfect. Absolutely nothing wrong with that.

I glance around. Fuck, man, I got stuck in a group with Edward. It's not like I have any massive problems with him (I know he's Will's ex and all, and I know it ended poorly, but it's more that they weren't good for each other than one or the other's fault), but there's no way I'd be able to take him in a fight. Honestly, I probably couldn't take anyone except Tris and maybe Myra. The rest of them? Not a chance. I'm not going to make it above the cut unless a miracle happens.

Fuck. Well, if I can win my fight against Tris, I can maybe at least get a bit of a head start. 

"I'll only be observing your fights every three days, considering the amount of groups. However, if I hear of anyone slacking while I'm gone, there'll be hell to pay. And if any of you try and back out of a fight before we call it off, there will be consequences. We don't accept cowardice here."

Four seems a bit apprehensive about that last statement. "A brave man acknowledges his opponent's strength." 

"A brave man never surrenders." Eric smirks, his lip curling up crueky as he looks at all of us like fresh meat.

I feel like I'm looking at two different kinds of Dauntless here. We have the brave, honorable kind, and the ruthless kind. I don't necessarily have the highest opinion of Four, since he seems like a buzzkill (I suppose Abnegation would do that to you), but at least he isn't cruel like Eric. 

Then Four smirks a bit too. "You're lucky those weren't the rules when we fought."

It takes all I can do not to laugh. I glance around, and everyone else is containing it too. So Four does have a sense of humor, even if it's miniscule. 

Irritation flashes on Eric's face, but he quickly composes himself. "Will, Al, to the ring!"

I don't really want to watch this fight. Al is big, one of the largest here other than Edward and Ash. (Does Ash count as big? He's just tall.) Will, while being a little more sturdily built than me or Ash, is a fucking beanpole compared to him. Even if Al stays gentle, Will's going to take some damage. 

My eyes glaze over during the fight. This isn't like the fights in the cafeteria, where they broke out spontaneously. This isn't the Dauntless grudge matches that couldn't wait until after school, the messy Candor breakups that occasionally resulted in slapping, that one Amity chick who went hogwild and attacked a Stiff. I still haven't received an explanation on her, by the way, and that was almost a year ago. 

Fin would be disappointed by these fights.

I wonder what the Dauntless fights are like. They know their shit, so I'm sure they're a lot more showy. I can imagine Fin's leg careening through the air to collide with a faceless Dauntless's head, only for his opponent to take the opportunity to sweep his remaining leg out from under him. How would Fin counter? I know nothing of his fighting style, but his cocky ass better have the skills to back his shit up. Maybe he'd-

Before I can finish the fictional fight in my head, the real fight in front of me comes to a stop. I didn't see how, but Will falls back, celery green eyes rolling back as he lands, his arm awkwardly bent under him. Oh fuck, is he okay? I know there's a mat, so it's not like his head hit the wood floor, but regardless, being knocked out is hard on your brain, regardless. He doesn't get up for a moment, but when his eyes flutter open, I let out a breath I didn't realize I was holding. 

"Al wins this match." Four says. "Both of you report to the infirmary and have the nurses check you out. Come back as soon as you get the okay." God, a kid just got knocked out, can you at least show a little emotion, Tobias? I need to stop thinking of his old name. After all, I wouldn't want him calling me Cadence. "Ash, Shuî, to the ring." 

I just noticed that he mispronounces Shuî's name. They way he says it, it rhymes with 'Louie', when it should rhyme with (or at least, sound more like 'Lou-ay'. Then again, Marcus got Will's last name wrong, so it must run in the family.

I don't want to watch this fight either. I'm not sure who will win. Shuî has more muscle, but seems nervous, unsure of himself. What Ash lacks in muscle, he makes up for in confidence and ambition. I bite at a hangnail.

"Nervous?" Myra's standing next to me. I sigh with relief. I haven't gotten to talk to her much, since I don't want to bother her when she's with Edward, and well, she's always with him. Her hair's tied back into a ponytail, and it looks really good on her. 

"I don't want to see either of them get their ass kicked." I really fucked up. I should have just gone to Amity. How did I think I could handle this? 

"I understand completely." She smiles faintly. 

Their fight is barely a fight at first. Ash circles Shuî, avoiding each and every punch with ease, but not throwing any of his own. You'd think his tallness would be a hindrance, but his long legs are working in his favor, for once.

"Get on with it, we don't have all day!" Eric rolls his eyes and yawns. 

"You ready, Stiff?" Ash smirks. 

"I'm not a Stiff anymore." Shuî scowls, putting his arms up defensively. He hasn't left the center of the mat at all.

"Then prove it." 

All of a sudden, Ash lands a sweeping kick to Shuî's ribcage. Shuî stumbled back, and after a moment, coughs manically. He hold up a hand as a pause, finishes coughing, and then rushes Ash.

Ash catches him, but not before Shuî kicks and sweeps Ash's legs from under him. The two of them end up on the floor, and Shuî manages to get a good hit on his face before Ash pins him down. He straddles Shuî's waist and pins his right arm above his head. Unfortunately, that leaves Ash's right hand as the only one free, and I know for a fact he hasn't trained his non-dominant hand very much. He's too proud of his weird genetic anomaly.

Wait, is Shuî right or left handed? Ash could have just left himself weak. As Shuî uses his left hand to punch Ash in the jugular, I sigh with relief. He's a rightie. He brings his knees up into Ash's back, but to seemingly no effect.

As Ash winds up his next punch, his body shifts just so, and Shuî let's out the most guttural, hurt scream I've ever heard. He stops trying to fight back, and tears stream from his face.

"Holy shit, did Ash break his ribs?" Myra whispers as tears fill my eyes. Fuck, Eric, call the fight. It's clear Ash won. He shifts his leg off of where Shuî was hurt, eyes wide and frantic.

"Ash is the victor." Four says. Thank God. 

Ash gets up and offers his hand to Shuî, but as Shuî tries to stand, he passes out. Fuck. Maybe that's a good thing, maybe he won't feel the pain. Ash scoops him out and carries him out.

Myra puts a hand on my shoulder, and I wipe away my tears. Is might fight going to be like that? Am I going to have to hurt Tris like Ash hurt Shuî? Or am I going to be on the ground, unable to beg for mercy?

I shudder.

Will and Al walk back in just as the boys leave. Good, they're both okay. I knew Al would be fine, but Will looked really rough. 

Just when I thought things couldn't be more brutal, Eric calls Christina and Molly to the ring. I overheard a bit of Christina gossiping, and holy shit do they hate each other. If Ash could be so cruel to someone he likes, how is this battle going to turn out?

I can't watch. Molly is so much stronger it's not even fair. Christina's trying, she really is, but there's no way in hell she's going to be able to win this. I wince at every strike, and my mind screams for Eric to call it or for her to fall down. But she keeps getting up, and it's so hard to watch.

"Stop! Stop! I'm done!" Christina yells after a few minutes. My stomach drops. Eric said no backing down. This won't end well.

Eric is calm as he walks up to Christina. "You're done?"

Christina sobs and nods.

He's quiet as he helps her up. This is bad. Really, really bad. Eric isn't the kind to be quiet about things. He's planning something bad. "Alright, everyone, let's take a break. Clear our heads a bit."

I glance over at Four, and he shows no emotion. Maybe it won't be that bad. Or Four's just as uncaring as Eric.

We all leave the training room, quiet in fear of directing Eric's rage at us. Even Peter shuts up for once. He's almost gentle with Christina, supporting her as we walk. We aren't going towards the infirmary. Where are we going? I hear the rush of the Chasm, and my stomach drops. No. Fuck.

His hand is on the small of her back, now that I look. Gross. 

As we cross the bridge, Eric shoves her to the railing. "Climb over."

Oh fuck, fuck, she's going to die. He's going to make her leap into the Chasm. I cling on to the nearest person near me, I think it's Al. I can't pry my eyes away to look. 

"If you can hang on the railing for five minutes, I can forgive your cowardice." He sneers. 

She glares at him, then lowers herself down. For the first couple of minutes, she holds on strong, but then a wave crashes and hits her, leaving her soaking wet. She almost slips, and she lets out a broken sob.

I can't look. I bury myself into Al's arm and let the smell of lemongrass take over my senses.

"Hey, Red." Eric barks. Is that me? It's probably me, though he could be talking about Drew. I glance up. "Keep your eyes on Christina, or you're joining her."

Eyes glued. Got it. God, my stomach's doing flips. 

"You can do it, Christina!" Al calls. Wait, why haven't I been encouraging her? I've been so focused on my own fear that I lost sight of hers.

"Yeah, go Christina!" Tris yells.

"You've got this!" Will says.

"You'll make it through this!" My voice is but a whisper compared to all of the shouts. Even Edward and Myra join in, and I swear I hear Drew's voice once in there too. 

When her time is up, Eric is an asshole and tries to make her get back up on her own. But Al -brave, sweet Al- essentially tells him to fuck off, and he and Tris help her up. Four does nothing this entire exchange. What a dick. 

Now that she's safe, I lean over the railing and vomit. I've always been easily sick, especially when I'm nervous. Myra rubs my back a bit, and I give her a half smile before vomiting again. 

I have to do well in these fights. I don't want to be flung over the rails, because I know I won't be able to hold on as long as Christina did. I'm far too weak.

Christina sobs into her friends' arms. I want to comfort her, but she's surrounded. I'll make sure to give her a giant hug at lunch. 

The fight between Peter and Drew is just as brutal, but at least Drew doesn't back down. That doesn't mean he's braver than Christina, though. It just means he's more scares of the Chasm than Peter. 

Edward and Myra's fight is up next. Ash finally comes back, holding a bag of ice to his jaw. "Fucker dislocated my jaw." He smirks a bit, then winces at the pain. Huh, with everything else, I didn't even notice. 

"You missed Eric dangling Christina over the Chasm," I tell him. "So, yeah, no surrendering."

"Good thing I'm not going to surrender, then." I should've known he'd respond like that. He's always been the competitive type, which is a common trait in Erudite, but now that it's required to advance, I'm sure it's been cranked up to eleven. 

Fuck, how am I going to make it here?

Edward's taking a defensive stance, letting Myra get in some good hits. She's not doing much damage, but she demonstrates good form. I know as soon as he strikes back, the match will end, so it's nice of him to let her get some points. I'm glad I'm not the one fighting her today, she would definitely kick my ass.

Speaking of ass kicking, all too soon, it's my turn to fight Tris. Fuck.

We get on the mat, and I notice a blood spatter. Whose is it? I suppose it doesn't matter. God, that's fucked up.

She doesn't want to do this either. Her stance is just as unsure as mine. We circle each other, occasionally throwing punches. Eric yawns exaggeratedly. "Get on with it, ladies."

"He's not a lady!" Al yells.

"Well, he's still fighting like one!" Eric sneers.

Is masculinity really rooted in fighting people? Will people think less of my identity because I don't like punching my friends? Or is Eric just being a dick? 

I hate that I have to prove him right. There's no escaping it, I have to be violent. Why did I choose this faction? Ash and Will would be fine without me. They might miss me, sure, but they'd sur-

Tris punches me in the face. Right. We're still fighting. No time for self loathing. She almost gets another one in, but I catch her arm and punch her in the gut. She manages to break free, but I dodge her next jab. 

We continue like this for a while, occasionally landing, but mostly dodging or blocking. Thankfully, she doesn't hit very hard. It's not pleasant, no, but it's not the worst pain I've felt. Unfortunately, I'm doing about the same amount of damage. At the end of this, our knuckles are going to be more bruised than any part of our bodies.

At some point, I'm not even sure how, but I end up pinning Tris to the ground. Both her wrists fit under my hand, but she doesn't try hard enough to break them free. Her knees hit my back, much like Shuî did to Ash, but despite not being injured, she seems even more pathetic, like she's never fought before. Then again, neither have I.

I raise my arm to punch her in the face, but honestly, I really don't want to. She's fucking helpless, and I don't want to be that kind of person.

"Time's up!" Four yells.

That was already ten minutes?

That was only ten minutes?

"Crimson gained the advantage in the end, but both of you need to try harder next time."

I stand up, then hold out my hand. She takes it, and while she seems tired, she doesn't seem injured. Four still sends us to the nurse, which is fine by me. I need a few minutes to chill before I train for two more hours.

"Hey, sorry if I hurt you at all." I say as we walk.

"I'm fine, thank you. Are you okay?" 

"Yeah, I'm all good. Guess we should train extra hard, if we can't even hurt each other, huh?"

She smiles faintly, which then turns into a grimace. "Yeah, I suppose so."

When we walk in, I notice Shuî in one of the beds, propped up into a seated position with bandages wrapped around his midsection. I wave, and he gives me the most relaxed thumbs up I've seen. His eyes are sleepy and barely open, and he's got a massive grin on his face.

"Geez, how many painkillers did you give him?" I laugh a little as the pink haired nurse examines me. I look at her name tag. Janet. Huh, not the most Dauntless name. Then again, she's old enough to be my grandma.

"Poor boy weighs less than we expected." She clicks her tongue and shakes her head. "You kids need to make sure you're getting enough to eat." 

"Will he be okay?" I ask.

"He'll be able to go back to training after lunch, if Four sticks to his schedule and has target practice then." Nurse Janet smiles. "I take it you're his friend?" 

I nod as she bandages my knuckles. She put this soothing cream on them that makes it feel like they were never injured. "Yeah, I was real worried." It's amazing how great medical technology is nowadays. Broken ribs can heal in a day. Science is cool. 

"I already told the tall one, but I'm sure he'd appreciate it if you brought him lunch." She smiles and then pats my hands. "You're all taken care of. If the bandages come loose, just come right back, okay dear?"

Being called 'dear' always makes my heart feel fuzzy. I never really had a grandma, so I haven't really heard it much. 

And so, it's time for me to go back to training. As much as I'm glad I didn't hurt Tris, I need to be stronger than I am now. Next opponent, I have to actually hurt.

The thought makes my stomach flip, and for once, I'm glad it's empty.


	8. Chapter 8

Chapter 8

Ash's POV

Shuî doesn't weigh much more than my brother. 

I didn't mean to hurt him like I did. I knew I had to win, but I didn't realize by doing so, I'd crack his ribcage.

When I take him to the infirmary, everyone's on alert. "I think I cracked a couple of his ribs." Why does it hurt to talk? 

"Here, lay him down on this cot." As soon as I set him down, a male nurse not much taller than Crimson drags me away, so I have no idea what they're doing to him. 

"Christ, I didn't realize that initiates got his rough this early on." He hastily takes me to my own cot, practically shoving me down. "I'm going to have to readjust your jaw, it's going to hurt."

Oh. So that's- "Fuck!" I yell. I didn't even notice it get hurt, so why does fixing it have to hurt.

"Hey, Alexa, can you toss me an ice pack and some pain killers?" The nurse as. I notice his name tag. Aster. Neat name. 

When he meant toss, he literally meant toss. At least he didn't ask for a scalpel. Though, I'm sure catching one properly wouldn't be an issue for a Dauntless member. "Here, take these. You're free to go back to training whenever the painkillers kick in." He flips a lock of curly light brown hair out of his eyes and leaves, probably to take care of the duo who just came in.

The meds kick in quick, which is a relief. I hold the ice pack to the spot where he punched me. I didn't think he had it in him, at least when I started the fight. But as I was circling him in the ring, I realized something.

That fucker was holding back. 

I'm sure most people thought he was just scared to strike, and I'm sure he was, but not for the reasons most would assume. I think he was scared of hurting me, and frankly, I'm insulted. He thinks I'm not strong enough to use his full potential on? He got himself hurt with that mindset. That one punch he didn't pull was how he should have been fighting the whole match. At least with Crimson, it wouldn't matter if he was trying or not, because the result would still be the same. 

Why did Crimson follow me? It sounds wrong, I know, but I had accepted that we were going to drift apart and almost excited that I wouldn't have to coddle him all the time. At least back in Erudite, I had Will and Sebastian to help me deal with him, but Sebastian stayed behind and Will's already found new friends. 

Things would have been so much better if he'd just gone to Amity where he belongs. I wouldn't have to worry about him. Here, he's going to get his ass kicked, and if I want to make it into Dauntless, there's nothing I can do. 

I shouldn't have told him I'm Divergent. Then, maybe he wouldn't have worried so much.

Divergent. Even just thinking the word sends shivers down my spine. I know people can't read minds, but if what Natalie said was true, than even wearing that fear on my face could mean my death.

How was I supposed to know that choosing both the knife and the cheese wasn't normal? Wouldn't everyone want to be as prepared as possible? Both were useful. The cheese calmed the dog when it attacked me, and when it went feral and attacked Crimson, the knife helped me subdue it. Why is choosing both options a bad thing? If anything, it just shows that I'm smart and fit best in Erudite.

Then again, I can't imagine Sebastian or Crimson stabbing the dog. That's a Dauntless trait. 

Why do they kill people like me, anyway? I can't imagine a situation where being naturally good at more than one thing would be detrimental. Is it a question of loyalty? Because even though I'm smart, fuck Erudite. I'm not that smart. Not the kind of smart that they need.

I'm pulled out of my thoughts by one of the loudest laughs I've ever heard. Is that… Shuî? Have I even heard him laugh before? I get up and head over to his cot, and holy shit, how is laughing that hard not hurting him?

I turn to the pink haired nurse, Nurse Janet, and ask, "What did you do to him."

"Poor boy weighs too little for his height." She clicks her tongue and shakes her head. "We tried to approximate the amount of painkillers to give him, but we must have given him too much." She turns to me. "Say, do you know what faction he comes from?"

"Abnegation."

"Bless his little heart, he's never had any sort of pain relief in his life." She sighs and walks away. I swear I hear her mutter something about what's on his back. 

I turn to him, and good Jesus, he's loopy. "You good, man?" 

He smiles real big. "I never knew that pain could just vanish like this."

Christ, that's concerning. I've always thought Abnegation was corrupt, but never his bad. I shake my head. Now's not the time for pity. I pull up a chair and sit next to him. Training can wait a bit. "You were holding back in our fight, weren't you?" 

His face falls. "I didn't want to hurt you." 

Of course he didn't. Perfect, selfless Shuî, who's willing to take a beating just so a guy he met two days ago doesn't get hurt. I would have believed he was weak if it wasn't for my jaw.

I remove the ice pack from my jaw to show him what he did. "That's bullshit. These fights are ranked, and you'll lose points for that attitude." 

He looks down, and I notice a spot where the eyeliner didn't wash off his cheek properly.

"Look, next time we fight, you better not pull that weak shit. I'm not just here for fun, I want to get into Dauntless. I'm not going to get points if you don't put up more of a fight."

"And what if I win, huh?" He sets his jaw and looks straight at me.

"Then I'll have lost in a fair fight." I shrug. 

He doesn't seem to know how to respond. It's not a big deal. I get up. It's time to get back to training anyway. As I'm leaving, his voice faintly says "Hey, Ash?"

I turn around. "Yeah."

"Sorry about your jaw." 

I grin. Fuck, that hurts. I'm not going to show it though. "You better do more next time."

He grins too, then relaxes back into the cot. 

"Oh, Ash." It's Nurse Janet. "He'll be okay to return to training after lunch if you're still doing target practice. I'm sure he'd appreciate it if you brought him his lunch. After all, for someone who's injured, it's a long walk to the Canteen." 

"I'll make sure to bring him something, then." I nod then leave. 

0-0-0-0-0

I half expect Crimson to ask me to wish him luck. It wasn't uncommon back at home. But when he doesn't, I know why.

He doesn't want to win.

What a coward. 

If he hadn't told me about what happened with Christina, I'd expect him to just surrender. I seriously don't understand why he came here. I'd be fine without him.

Surprisingly, Tris is an even worse fighter than he is. I don't know of I was expecting Shuî levels of strength, but she looks like she's never had to defend herself.

Hell, I could easily take half the people here. Crimson, Tris, and Myra would go down in one hit. Will, All, Christina, Molly, and Drew would be harder, but I'm reasonably confident I would win. My only real competition is Edward, Peter, and Shuî.

There's no way I won't make it into Stage Two. Not with opponent's like Crimson.

Maybe I'm glad Crimson's here. The more weak opponents I have, the further I distance myself from the bottom.

Am I really willing to sacrifice my brother for my own gain?

0-0-0-0-0

A/N: yeah, I know this one is short, but it doesn't need to be long. We'll get more Ash chapters sprinkled throughout, especially towards the end.


	9. Chapter 9

Fin's jaw drops whenever I tell him and Shuî about what happened to Christina. "You're fucking kidding, right?" He asks. "I know Eric's a prick, but there's no way he'd do that."

I shake my head. "Wish I could say that, but no. She's incredibly shaken up." Probably traumatized. 

Shuî seems a lot less high than he was when I saw him earlier. Still, he seems too wiped to actually respond.

"God, I hate Eric so fucking much. If he's going to do that shit, he should do it himself to prove his bravery." Oh fuck oh fuck Eric's right behind him. I glance over to Ash, who's fucking smirking at the situation, and Shuî's avoiding eye contact with anyone and eating his food. "Otherwise he just seems like a coward and a bully."

Eric is not fucking amused. His grey eyes flash with anger. "Maybe I should dangle you from the Chasm too." 

Fin doesn't even seem fazed. "You know, if you kill me, you'll have to answer to my mom." 

That's… not the direction I expected him to go with that. I was expecting a more "I'd make you do it with me," or some other tough sounding response. But nah, he's just sitting there, smirking up at him and baring a sharp incisor. 

"Oh, your mommy's supposed to scare me?" Eric laughs.

"I mean, she slashed my dad's throat for beating to shit outta me and my baby brother, so I'm sure one little ex-Nose shouldn't be a problem."

…

What the actual fuck?

Even Eric is silent. Fin's smirk never wavers. "Yeah, there was blood everywhere. On the walls, on my brother's crib, all over me. I'm surprised there wasn't a huge blood trail on our way from the apartment to the Chasm. She must've gotten all the blood out with just that one slice. And have you ever seen someone fall into the Chasm? Oh man, their body tumbles around, guts everywhere, man!" He sounds like some nerdy Erudite kid describing a science project, not a man talking about his own father's murder. "Like, did you know how fucking long your small intestine is?"

Eric slowly takes a few steps back, then sharply turns on his heel and speedwalks out of the infirmary.

We're all silent for a moment, processing what we just heard.

"So, uh, dead dad, huh?" Ash asks after a few moments. "That explains a lot, actually."

"Hey!" Shuî actually sounds offended.

"You too? Explains a lot about you also." 

Fin least out a boisterous laugh. "No way, you guys actually believed that shit?" He leans back in his chair and slaps his thigh. "Come on, that's fucking ridiculous. Mom would have been arrested for that shit. And no blood trail? Y'all don't know anything about bodies, do you?"

The rest of us shift uncomfortably. "Uh, no, not really." I squeak out.

He finally finishes his laughter. "Tough crowd tonight, huh?" He shakes his head and sighs. "Nah, sadly, my father's not dead. Mom did beat him half to death with a broom, and when he came back around, she threatened him with a cast iron skillet, but the fucker's still around. Probably." He shrugs.

Part of me wants to pity him. After all, he went through so much at such a young age. But as he launches into stories about how great his mom is and how lucky he is to have her, I can't help but admire his strength. He's still able to smile, to laugh, to live despite everything. Still, he should've had to go through all of that, even if he's strong now.

Resilient. That's the word for him. He's resilient. 

0-0-0-0-0

After we get back from lunch, we spend an hour and a half practicing with our guns. I'm getting better, way better than I thought I would. Everyone's doing fairly well, actually. Four seems to be satisfied with our progress, as he lets us work on whatever for the rest of the time.

Shuî stays at the gun range, not wanting to aggravate his injuries, and Al stays with him. Drew and Molly also stay, but on the opposite end. Tris and Christina run laps, Peter lifts weights, Will and I do a core workout we found in a book, and Edward and Ash spar in the ring. It isn't scored, so it's a lot more casual. 

"I can't believe Ash is talking to Edward." Will says. Is he really still mad about the breakup? Sure, it was a nasty end, with accusations of cheating and spreading rumors (though, in Will's defense, he did start dating Myra only a week after they broke up, so it's definitely suspect), but that was months ago. I don't let him know that I was thinking of asking him for help next.

"I'm sure it's purely transactional." I don't point out that Ash is laughing. Even Edward is smiling, which is rare for him. "Like it or not, Edward's the strongest initiate in here."

"Yeah, and of course Ash would shove aside everything that's happened just to get better." He says that like it's a bad thing, but I think it's admirable that he's willing to put aside personal drama in order to improve. 

According to the book, we're supposed to repeat the workout 3 times for the full effect, but Will gets up. "I'm going to go jog with Tris and Chris." Heh, Tris and Chris. I like that. "You want to join?"

I wasn't feeling this workout either. Then again, running for an hour doesn't sound appealing either. "Let me get some water first."

I head over to the water cooler, and Four's standing there, observing Ash and Edward's training. I get one of the plastic cups and fill it, taking a drink. It's lukewarm. Gross.

I stand there for a couple moments, not wanting to run laps just yet. I look at Four. Maybe I can buy a few minutes by asking some questions.

"Hey, Four, so like, how do initiates from different factions tend to do?" I ask.

He looks at me. "Why do you want to know?"

I shrug. "I'm just curious." 

He purses his lips for a moment. "Amity tend to be the physically strongest out of the bunch, though they often struggle with the mental aspect of fighting one another. Erudite does well with developing strategies, but can easily be knocked off course if something unexpected happens. Candor is great with reading their opponent's tells, but often end up fighting defensively."

Makes sense. "What about Abnegation?"

He looks over at Tris with an expression I can't read. "Haven't been enough to tell."

I wonder what he was like in his initiation. Was he cold and ruthless? He must have been to some extent, otherwise he wouldn't have gotten first. He's clearly strong, and could easily take anyone in this room, even Edward.

"If you're just going to stand there, at least pay attention to your brother." Four says. Fuck, he caught on to what I was doing.

Edward seems to be teaching him how to put someone in a proper headlock. They grapple around for a while, and I try to figure out what techniques they're using, but I think they both just have long arms. I wouldn't stand a chance.

Ash laughs whenever he finally gets it right, but Edward swiftly counters and almost slams Ash onto the ground before catching him.

"Never let your guard down, even when you think you've won." Four says. "It's a trap many inexperienced fighters fall into. Of course, if you're smart, you can use it to your advantage."

"How?" I take another drink of the water. 

"At your size, you're not going to win by raw strength alone. But if you can manipulate them into thinking they have the upperhand, you can sweep the advantage out from under them and maintain control." 

"Thank you, sir." I nod.

"Now that you've cooled off, get back to work." He crosses his arms and goes back to observing the fight.

Right. Now for an hour of running. Yay.

0-0-0-0-0

Christina and the gang don't stick around for dinner. I haven't gotten a chance to comfort her, not really. Sure, I've expressed empathy, but I haven't gotten to hug her. Is she more comforted by words or physical contact?

I'm honestly surprised how fast Shuî seems to be healing. I know that medical technology has made some serious advancements since the war, but it'll never cease to amaze me. 

"It's official. I'm bleaching my hair today." Ash says after finishing his sandwich. 

"I should probably get a haircut too. Knives aren't the best tool for it."

"You cut your hair with a knife?" Fin smirks. "You're sounding more and more Dauntless every day."

I blush a little. "I mean, it was an impulse decision, not exactly bravery."

"Still. Anyway, I can show you where I go to get my hair done, if you want. They're a bit off the main path, so they probably won't be super busy." Fin says, leaning back in his chair. He looks over to Shuî. "You planning on doing anything fancy with your hair?"

Shuî shakes his head. "Uh, not yet." 

Fin shrugs. "Suit yourself. Though, I think you'd look good with red hair. Not like Crimson's red, but like a blood red or something." 

Shuî blushes and looks down at his feet. "Uh, I don't think I'd look good with any color hair, Infinity."

Fin's eyes widen. "Dude, don't say shit like that." He leans across the table and puts his hands on Shuî's cheeks. "You're fucking adorable. If anyone ever tells you otherwise, punch them in the face."

Shuî hastily gets up, pushing Fin's hands away. "Uh, I should get back to the dorm. Ribs still hurt, you know?" He awkwardly laughs and speeds away.

"What, did he think I was flirting with him or something?" Fin blinks, looking surprisingly innocent for once. "Because I really wasn't. I just hate when cute people think they're ugly. Beauty is something to be appreciated."

"I think he's just a Stiff." Ash chuckles. 

Still, it sucks to see someone unable to take a compliment, even if it's from someone with as strong a personality as Fin.

"Anyway, you guys ready?" Fin asks getting up. 

I take the last bite of my sandwich and set it down. "Yeah, let's go."

Fin leads up up a couple loops up the Pit, then down a hall I haven't explored yet. I didn't realize there were shops off of the Pit, but here we are, a hallway lit by only the neon from the signs. We duck into a small hair salon after a few meters.

"Fin!" A voice yells. A tanned young woman with a blonde bob runs up and wraps her arms around his waist. She gets on her tiptoes and plants a kiss on his cheek, leaving a deep red splotch. Oh, shit, is she his girlfriend? "It's been so long! How are you? Is initiation going well? Are you winning your fights? Oh, you're in the same group as my cousin Marlene, right? How's she doing?"

"Marona, he was in here last week to get his roots done." Another young woman with half of her sleek black hair smirks as she leans against the desk.

"I know, but he visits Rex every day! Why can't he come see us every day?" Marona pouts. She looked normal height when she was hugging Fin, but as she pulls away, I realize she's almost as tall as Shuî. She looks over at me and Ash. "Oh, are these the new friends you were talking about? I thought there were three."

"Shuî's a lameass and didn't want to drastically change his hair." Fin shrugs. "Also, yeah, me and Marlene are both doing well." 

"Good! And that means you're Ash, right?" She looks over to Ash, then to me. "And oh my God, Crimson, I knew you were short, but you're so tiny! It's adorable!" She bounds over and pinches my cheeks. "Aww!"

"Are you, uh, his girlfriend?" I ask.

She stands up and giggles. "I'm not even a girl half the time." Oh. Oops. "But no, I'm not dating him. You can have him if you want."

"Oh, uh, that's not what I-"

"Didn't you come here for haircuts?" The other woman raises her eyebrows. 

"Oh, I call Crimson! Whatever you want for your hair, I'll do it!" Marona grins and stands up. "Fin, you sticking around?" 

"Nah, mom's making cookies tonight, and Ian will be pissed if I don't teach him how to wrestle for a bit."

"Bring us some cookies! And tell your mom we said hi!" Marona takes me by the hand and leads me to a chair separated from the lobby area by sheets hang from a pole. "Oh, I'm Marona, if you didn't catch my name earlier.

"Nice to meet you." She -- they, based on what they said earlier -- shakes my hand lightly as I sit down in the chair. "So, were you going to dye it, or did you just want it cut?"

"Oh, uh, just a cut." I like my red hair, and I'm not too keen to change it. 

"Alright! Did you have any particular styles in mind? I can help you look more masculine, if you want." 

"How does everyone seem to know I'm a bit, anyway?" I ask as she starts brushing down my hair.

She smiles a bit. "Well, here in Dauntless, we really try to respect that kind of thing! It takes a whole load of courage to come out as anything but standard. We always try to spread the word to help avoid people accidentally misgendering others, you know? Especially Fin. I'm pretty sure he threatened to stab Rex if he didn't get it right."

"Wow. Oh, and yeah, if you could just trim it up and make it look more boyish. I like the length it's at right now." 

Marona hums. "Alright. And yeah, Fin's intense. Has he told you that his little brother Ian's trans? That's why he's so insistent on this sort of thing."

That makes a lot of sense. "No, he hadn't. Oh, and uh, speaking of that sort of things, what pronouns should I use for you?"

"Honestly, call me whatever." She holds out her wrist, revealing a pink bracelet. "Right now, I'm feeling more feminine, so she/her pronouns work, but in general, I'm fine with whatever. If I'm wearing a blue bracelet, I'm feeling more male, and yellow means neither." 

"Alright, I'll keep that in mind."

The rest of the haircut goes smoothly. Marona tells me that their half-sibling May is the other hairdresser, and that their parents are in a loving three person marriage. At one point, they continuously try to brush down a cowlick off my hairline that points up and to my right, but eventually give up. After we're done, we move out into the lobby to wait for Ash and May to get done. No other customers come by, apparently since one of the main salons is having a sale right now, so I get to hear loads about Dauntless hairstyles and fashion. Self expression is very important here, so there's about as many styles as there are people. Marona's dyed their hair all shades of blue and purple, and they're probably going to be a ruby red before next week.

After a while, Ash emerges from the other curtained off area, and I can't help but laugh. 

"Holy shit, you're hair is fucking orange!" It's not even a good orange like mine, either. It's like a burnt orangey-brown, and it's so cursed to see my brother as a brunette.

"This man really thought he could go from jet black to snow white in one session." May smirks.

"Oh dear," Marona says, and good god that sounds way too tame for a Dauntless born. 

"If I'd known my hair would take so long, I'd have just let it go gray naturally." Ash sighs. 

"See you next week, then." May says as she disappears into the back of the store.

"It was wonderful to meet you guys! Any friend of Fin's is a friend of mine, so stop by any time! Well, assuming I'm not busy." Marona giggles.

"People seem to hold Fin's opinions in high regard." Ash says.

"Well, yeah, a lot of people really like him. A lot of us are actually hoping he's going to become a leader. He's, like, kind of the model Dauntless." 

"Is letting a 16 year old have that much influence really a good idea?" Ash asks, crossing his arms over his chest.

Marona raises an eyebrow. "You came from Erudite, right? Things work differently down here. Case in point, Eric." Their ocean blue eyes flit to the ground for a second. "Though, uh, he may not be the best example when it comes to good leadership."

Ash shrugs. "Fair enough."

God, his hair looks so weird. I could almost picture him with white hair, but this brunette shade? It's definitely odd. 

Let's hope I sleep well tonight. I'll need it for tomorrow's fight. 

0-0-0-0-0

A/N whoops is Fin my main character? I mean, Crimson's more the emotional heart of the group than the driving character, I've known that from the start, but I have some plans for Fin.


	10. Chapter 10

The pros of last night and this morning:

1\. I finally fixed my hair, and it actually looks good now. Thanks, Marona!

2\. I learned that Shuî mumbles in his sleep. It sounds like he mostly talks about cooking. Is that what he dreams about?

3\. The showers were very hot this morning, very good.

4\. Eric won't be here to watch our fights, so there's a lot less pressure.

The cons:

1\. Ash's hair still looks like garbage.

2\. Even though Shuî's mumbling is cute, it kept me up all night. 

3\. I'm like ninety percent sure that Peter was staring at me in the shower. It was only for a few moments, and I don't know for sure if it was him, but it's likely. Maybe it was Drew. Probably wasn't anyone else.

4\. I'm up against Molly.

Molly's strong. Like, real strong. The way she was able to punch Christina around yesterday, hurting her to the point where she broke and admitted defeat, terrifies me. I don't have the option of backing down. Even if Eric isn't here to throw me into the Chasm, admitting defeat would lose me more points than letting her beat the shit out of me.

Part of me wants to bail. I can make up those points later. But as I look around, I really can't. Everyone here is stronger than me, and everyone here wants to reach the top.

Except me. I'm fine with staying in the middle. 

That will be my downfall. I'll settle for mediocrity and fall far, far below, sinking into the depths of failure. 

I can't win this fight. That's a given. But maybe I can still score some points. 

Four told me to be smart in my fights. Take advantage of their weaknesses. I'm sure Molly has plenty, but I couldn't bear to watch her last fight. Christina didn't stand a chance. So how will I?

Will fights first, this time against Shuî. I'm going to be fighting both of this at some point. I don't want to hurt either of them, nor do I want to watch them get hurt, but I signed up for this, didn't I?

So I watch. Not for entertainment, but for education. I learn that Will guards his head too much, and neglects his midsection. However, even though in a normal fight, that would matter, it won't in this fight. Shuî is too hesitant, too unwilling. Will wins the fight without too much fuss.

The next fight is Peter versus Edward. Both of them are way stronger than anyone here, and it's hard for me to even tell what they're doing. Punches are flying so fast, being dodged almost as quickly. They almost run out the full ten minutes before Edward lands a solid punch to Peter's jaw, and the only thing I've learned is that they both favor their right hands. Then again, everyone but Ash does, as far as I know. 

And then it's my turn.

I get on the mat with Molly and take my stance. She's so strong, taller than me and twice as wide. If she wasn't scowling like she was going to kill me, I'd think she's pretty, with a cute bulbous nose and dark brown hair what goes just above her shoulders.

Now's not the time. Not when she might actually kill me if I fuck up.

She isn't throwing the first punch. Her legs are locked in place, and she takes a defensive stance. I know she's not afraid of me. Is she trying to bait me into attacking? I know that if I go head on, she'll probably catch me and it'll all be over.

But I don't have to attack from the front. If I get to her side, I could maybe strike before she has a chance to fully turn. Or, if I catch her mid kick, I could sweep out her legs from underneath her. That one is a lot riskier, considering how sturdily she's built. I'd be much likelier to just hurt my own legs.

I can be fast. Or, at least, I could when I was a child. While Ash hasn't always been unusually tall (that development started around when we were thirteen), he's always been light on his feet. Chasing him in games of Tag was always a struggle, but eventually I managed to catch up to him. 

Now I just have to do that in a fight. Easy. It's not like I haven't played tag in 6 years, right?

I'm fucked.

No. If I think like that, I'll lose.

Luckily, I can gallop sideways faster than she can turn. I manage to get a couple jabs at her midsection before she can catch me, leaping back to avoid her shots. This strategy is exhausting, but at my strength, hit and run tactics are all I have.

I manage to get a few more jabs in before I can move onto the next part of my strategy. She's guarding her midsection, because that's all I've hit. She won't be expecting me to go for her throat.

She doesn't. I manage to hit her by surprise. Fuck, I really wasn't expecting that to work. Unfortunately, she grabs my arm and punches me straight in the cheek. I can't wrestle free, so I try to go to the side. If I get her to turn, maybe I can try and get her legs out from under her. 

I try to kick out her legs, but she just yanks me forward and slams me into the mat. I gasp for breath, but it just won't come. I try to push myself up, but my legs go out.

How am I down in only two hits?

"Molly wins the fight. Go to the infirmary." I get that Four has to be impartial, but damn, does he emote, like, ever?

Molly doesn't help me up. Of course she doesn't. I drag myself off the mat and finally take a deep breath. Al lends me a hand, and I gladly take it. "Thanks, man." I smile. "I think I can get it from here."

"Yeah, no problem." Even if I needed him to help me, he couldn't, because he's fighting Ash right after me. Christina and Myra are next, and Tris and Drew are last. I don't really want to watch any of them fight, but I should get back as quickly as possible.

As I walk, it dawns on me that at some point, I'll have to fight Ash. There's enough days in this month that we'll be fighting everyone twice, roughly.

He'll fight fair, that's for sure. I can't imagine he'd sabotage me for his own gain, but I can't see a universe where he'd throw the fight and let me win. He'll fight me like I'm anyone else. I have to study his weaknesses.

0-0-0-0-0

After everyone's done with fighting and back from the infirmary, Four demonstrates more fighting techniques. I wish we were one of the groups that got to learn first and then fight. I know some groups fight as the very last thing they do. 

My muscles are sore by the time we go to lunch. Fin is sitting at a table full of Dauntless, so we sit with Will and his friends. We don't really talk about much, mostly listening to Christina and Al reminisce about home. 

My body's sluggish by the time we have to get up. I want to go and curl up in bed, let my body heal, but we don't have time.

I still don't know how they expect us to get amazingly fit in a month. 

We practice with our guns for a while, and Four finally teaches us how to clean them. You'd think that would come first, but I doubt Four understands much about teaching. You'd think they'd have a curriculum to follow, but as a whole, Dauntless doesn't seem as rigidly structured as Erudite. I don't know if I love it or hate it.

After we break away to do our own things, I approach Four. This time, Ash is sparring against Peter, and Edward is helping Myra practice at a punching bag. 

"Am I correct in saying that you're stalling on having to do any exercise by asking about your progress?" Four says, not even looking down at me 

I frown. "Am I really that easy to figure out?"

"Well, how do you think you did?" 

"Uh, not well. If I get hit, it's all over, so I need to be able to dodge better. My hit and run tactics could be effective, but I need to build up my stamina to be able to keep it up. If I face off against another agile opponent," Like Ash, but I don't want to admit that out loud. "I'm going to be screwed, and I can't afford to go on the defensive."

"It seems that you have a good handle on your weaknesses." Four nods. "Though, you are remarkably fast. Being able to propel yourself sideways with your legs can help you."

"You really think so? It's been a while since I've had to be fast. The last time I really remember running around was when Will wanted to catch a pigeon when we were ten."

"Catch a pigeon?"

I grin. "Yeah. He thought it he grabbed one, his parents would have to let him keep it, so Ash, Sebby, and I helped pitch in. We all played border guard, trying to keep the pigeons in line while Will tried to grab one. Of course, they can fly, so that didn't work, so it ended with us all dashing around like madmen and diving at pigeons until Will caught one." A grin creeps up my face. "His sister Cara screamed when he shoved the bird in her face. Of course, his parents said no, because Erudite doesn't allow pets, and even then, a pigeon would make an awful pet, but it was fun while it lasted."

Four's faintly smiling. Holy shit, that's the equivalent of Will's boisterous laughter. I got him to emote! Today's a success, no matter what else happens. 

"If I had to recommend anything, it would be how to escape grabs and holds. I plan on teaching that on a couple days, but if you want help before, you may want to speak to one of the other more experienced students."

My mind flits to Ash or Edward, but neither of those are amazing choices. Edward is still a sore topic for Will, and I feel like Ash would just get annoyed if I had to ask for help. He's not a great teacher. 

Who else could I ask. Peter? I get the feeling he'd feed me false information. No one else in here is any more experienced than I am.

Fin. He's the answer here. I can ask him for help, and I'm sure he would.

"Thanks, Four." And then I go to catch up with my friends. They're jogging laps again. Of course.

"How aren't you terrified he's going to snap your neck?" Christina asks, eyes wide. 

I shrug. "I mean, I'm just asking him questions about my progress. He's not that scary, just boring."

"I can't believe you got him to smile." Will shakes his head. "How'd you do that?" 

"I told him about that time we all caught a pigeon."

"You guys what?" Tris asks, an incredulous expression slapped on her face.

Will's the one who tells the story this time, and he's much better at it. He embellishes it a bit more, adding in a detail about Ash falling face first into the dirt that I don't remember. He also adds a detail that I forgot. A bird crapped on Sebby's hair, and he cried. To be honest, I'd cry too if a bird ruined my hair. Does that make me a priss? Probably.

By the time he's done, we're all breathless. Laughing while running is a terrible idea, and by the time we’re done, I just want to die.

0-0-0-0-0

Shuî doesn’t come with us for dinner. Something about how cleaning relaxes him or something? I don’t really get it, since cleaning’s something I hate, but to each their own. The rest of us head down to the Canteen.

Fin’s sitting with some of his Dauntless friends. Fuck. I was hoping he'd sit with us so I could ask him to train me. I guess I could still go up and ask, but I don't want to interrupt them. I'm sure they're perfectly nice people and all, but large groups of strangers make me anxious. Besides, they're all more… I don't know, experienced here. They'll know immediately that I don't quite fit in. Even if they don't laugh at me outright, they'll all know.

Heh. I'm scared of not being a real Dauntless. Ironic, I guess.

It's not like this fear is new. Back in Lower Levels, when we first met Sebastian, I was terrified of him. He was the smartest kid in our class, and everyone loved him. Ash had no problems befriending him, as he always tends to befriend the most competent people around him, and I was dragged along because I was too scared to make friends on my own. I thought Sebby was the coolest person ever. Spoilers, we were like eight years old, so none of us were cool, but the point still stands. 

This is dumb. I shouldn't be scared of my friends. I force myself to get up. "I'll be right back." 

I make my way over to his table. Halfway through, my body tries to pull back, but I push through. Fin wouldn't be friends with bad people, right? They'll all be nice. I'll be fine. Besides, I just have a quick question to ask.

Fin seems to notice me before I say anything, really before I'm closer than ten feet away. He smiles and waves me over. How did he notice? The sound of my footsteps. Sure, I can do that with my friends and parents (specifically by the sound of their keys), but I doubt I could hear that sort of thing in a crowded cafeteria, and he probably wouldn't have my footsteps memorized in less than three days. My smell? I just use the standard shampoo and stuff that Dauntless provides. Side note, I need to ask Al where he bought that lemongrass soap he uses. 

I guess it doesn't really matter. He's noticed me, and I can't go back now.

"Hey, did you finally come to sit with us?" Fin asks. I still wonder why one of his teeth is missing.

"Oh, uh, I just had to ask you something. I already told the rest of the group I'd be right back." Wait, did he invite me over and I forgot? Oh fuck.

Fin's smile falters a little bit. "Oh. Well, you're welcome any time. I promise we don't bite unless you want us to." He gives a sharp look to a girl with shaved hair, and she rolls her eyes.

"I, well, I didn't want to intrude or anything." I rub the back of my neck as my face heats up.

"Fin, you never invited him over?" The blonde girl --oh shit, that's Marlene from the thrift store-- lightly smacks him in the chest with the back of her hand. "Don't worry, you guys are always welcome. We'll make room."

"Oh, uh, thanks Marlene." 

"You had a question for Fin?" The shaved haired girl scowls at me, obviously wanting me gone as quickly as possible. She acted this way in the thrift shop too, so I know she's exaggerating a bit, but I still don't want to overstay my welcome. 

"Oh, uh, right. Could you help me train tonight? I need some extra practice."

Fin's grin is back. "Yeah, of course. Meet me at the Chasm after dinner."

"Okay, cool, thanks. I'll, uh, let you guys get back to it."

"Come back any time!" Marlene grins.

"Yeah, any friend of Fin's a friend of ours." Uriah, who I briefly met on the train, says. 

"Thanks." I turn around and head back to my table. Man, that was awkward, but it was entirely my fault. I have no reason to be scared of them, they're all perfectly nice. I have nothing to worry about.

0-0-0-0-0

Shuî never shows up for dinner. Does cleaning up the training room really take that long? I know they serve dinner until fairly late, but I don't think the burgers will hold up very well. 

I leave a little earlier than the rest of the group. When I get out, the Pit is swarming, as always. I normally hug the edge to get to the Chasm, but when I look out into the crowd, I see some dumbass in a turtleneck standing directly in the middle of the Pit and staring straight up.

Oh fuck, it's Shuî. 

I run up to him, lightly touching his arm to get his attention. "Hey, man, where were you?" 

"Look up, Crimson." He idly points up, not even looking down at me. 

I look up, and I'm greeted by the most beautiful sight. It's raining outside, and through the web of paths spiralling above us, the sight of the rain sliding down the glass is just gorgeous. The occasional ray of sunlight cuts through, lighting up the tower for a moment before disappearing again.

"Back in Abnegation, we were taught to ignore the beauty around us. It's simply a distraction from what's important. Here, I can take the time to notice things like that." He finally looks down at me, and a soft smile appears on his face. 

"Yeah, the world's really nice sometimes." My mind flies back to Amity feels, and I feel homesick for a life I never had.

We stand there for a moment, watching the rain, before I feel a hand clap on my shoulder. "Yo, Crimson, did you forget we were going to train?"

Fuck. I did forget for a moment. "I just ran into Shuî, sorry."

"It's all good. Hey, Shuî, want to train with us?" 

Shuî glances up at him. "Oh, uh, sure, but take a look at how pretty it looks right now." 

Fin looks up to the sky for a minute. "I mean, yeah, I guess so. It just looks rainy to me."

Shuî frowns a bit, then shakes his head. "I guess if you've lived with sights like this your whole life, it doesn't really matter." 

Fin shrugs. "Come on, we don't have all night." He starts walking towards the training room, and we follow. Keeping his pace means walking two steps for each of his, and I almost laugh at how ridiculous we must look beside each other. Shuî at least balances us out. 

As we walk across the Chasm, Shuî stops for a moment. I'm sure he's admiring the beauty, but all I can see is Christina dangling off the edge. Right, he didn't see that, he just heard about it. I'm glad the view isn't ruined for him.

We walk down the hall to the training rooms, and we pass our own. I wonder if Four's still in there. I don't look, I don't have the time. 

As we approach a room, Lauren walks out. "What are you doing here this late?" She eyes up me and Shuî, then gives Fin an expectant look.

"Just training my friends. It's not against the rules, right?" Fin rests his hand on the back of his head, stretching. 

"No, but is it really a good idea for a hotshot who can't even follow directions to be training a couple new kids?" Lauren raises an eyebrow.

"Dude, y'all literally have us fight until we knock each other out. I know you guys say not to, but none of us are pussy enough to back down." Fin smirks. "And I only don't pay attention in practice because I'm miles above what you're teaching."

Lauren rolls her eyes. "Alright, alright, as long as it's just training you're doing. If I come back and you guys are doing anything else, I'm revoking permission."

Fin raises his eyebrows. "Are you implying that I'm gonna fuck these cuties in there?" Shuî's face goes beet red, and honestly, mine does too. "Cause, I know that's in character, but come on, the training room? There's a thousand more places we could do it. Ever fucked on the roof? It's fuckin' great, feeling the air on your back as you-" 

"Infinity Perkins, if you weren't such a promising fighter, I would have kicked you out of Dauntless the moment you entered my training room." She sighs. "You can use the room, just clean up after yourselves, okay?" 

"Will do." Fin grins as Lauren leaves. After a moment, he turns back to us. "You see, the takeaway here is that it doesn't matter if you have massive personality flaws, as long as you're attractive and talented, everyone will like you."

"That's not the takeaway at all, Fin!" Lauren yells back as we enter the training room.

I'm not sure what I was expecting, but their training room is almost identical to ours. The only difference is that the targets for gun practice are spread around the room, some even in the ceiling. Fin did mention that their target practice was more involved, since many of them have trained with guns before, even if for only a day or two for fun. Their expectations must be higher for them, because otherwise the Dauntless borns would just steamroll us.

"Hey, Shuî, would you mind grabbing some boxing wraps from the closet? They should be in a marked box." 

"Yeah, no problem." Shuî goes into the closet.

Fin turns to me as he… locks the training room door? "You trust me, right?" 

"I mean, of course. You're my friend."

All I see is a devilish smirk on his face before he rushes at me. His hand clamps down on my mouth, and in an instant, his other arm is around my neck. "Wrong answer."

Wait. What? My hands claw up at his, but to no avail. What? Why is he-?

"You just waltzed right into a secluded room with some boy you just met. It'll be what, twelve hours before someone comes in here again? Do you understand how much I could do to you in twelve hours?" He chuckles to himself a little. "Oh, and don't expect that pansy ass Stiff to be able to help you out. One more kick in the ribs and he's fucking done for."

Chills shoot up my spine. I can still breathe, thank God, but I can't really move. I try to pry his fingers from my face, to get my voice out, but it's ineffective.

"The first lesson you'll learn in Dauntless is to never trust anyone you can't beat in a fight. Trust is a luxury that only the strong can afford."

Tears well up in my eyes. I thought he was my friend, why is he doing this?

I blink. He's not doing anything though. Sure, he has me in a lock, but he's not attempting to hurt me in any way. In fact, his grip softens a bit.

This is a test. But how do I get out of this?

"Don't focus on the parts of you that you can't move. Instead focus on what you can move." He says, voice calmer than I've ever heard it. 

My arms are free, but what I'm trying to do with them isn't working. After a second of thinking, I elbow him in the ribs as hard as I can. He just laughs a little, so I must not have hurt him. Shit.

"Here, use your feet and stomp on mine. It works extra well if you're wearing high heels. One time, I was wearing these five-inch stiletto heels, and some pink tried to give me shit about it, so I stomped on his foot. Man, there was so much blood, and I-"

Three things occur to me.

One, Fin's worn high heels that put him at two feet taller than me.

Two, Fin's stomped on someone with said heels and potentially permanently injured them.

Three, Fin just got punched in the face.

"Crimson, are you okay?" Shuî grabs me and pulls me away, panic in his eyes. "I was just gone for a second, and when I came out, he was attacking you, and-"

"Shuî. Calm down man. He was pretending." I have to tell that to myself too. I know logically that he wasn't going to hurt me, but damn.

"Hey, yo, you know how I said that pansy ass Stiff couldn't help you?" I turn to Fin, and he's setting his jaw back in place. "Holy shit, Shuî, I know Ash said you were strong, but what the actual fuck, man?"

"Oh, uh, I'm sorry, I misread the situation, and-"

"If it were up to me, I'd make you Dauntless right now." Fin grins wide, his sharp incisors catching the light. "Springing into action to save a friend is the bravest thing you can do, especially when you probably can't win the fight."

Shuî lets go of me. "Oh, uh, it's nothing."

"Hey, thanks for looking out for me." I smile a bit. Fin's right, jumping into action like that is incredibly brave.

A deep part of my heart sinks. If it had been Shuî in danger, would I have the courage to save him? I didn't have the courage to stand up for Christina, when Al, who's regarded as cowardly because he doesn't want to hurt his friends, could. 

These fights aren't about bravery. They're about obedience. 

The rest of training goes well. After we've calmed down, Fin teaches us how to wrap our hands properly (which is something Four should be teaching us, but whatever) and teaches us how to get out of various holds. His advice from earlier rings true. Forget about what you can't move, focus on what you can. 

Fin is so far beyond just talented. I've never really gotten to see a Dauntless fight, and I suppose he wasn't fighting at even close to full force, but when Shuî and I took a quick break, he decided to demonstrate on a punching bag. He almost knocked it clean off the chain with just one roundhouse kick. 

Compared to that, his hold on me was like an empty backpack. Even if I believe he won't intentionally hurt me --which I do, despite his lesson, which may be a bad call-- even a slight bit of extra force could break me.

Maybe that's what he was talking about when he told me not to trust anyone I couldn't beat in a fight.

After we're done, Fin and I lay back on the cool mat. I'm gasping for breath, and sweat drips out of every pore. I'm overworking myself, but to stand any chance, I have to work even harder.

Shuî's mopping, because of course he is. I watch him for a moment, getting lost in his rhythmic movements. It's quiet and serene, and a part of me wonders if that's why people transfer to Abnegation. Even though it's a life hollow of emotion or entertainment, for some, serenity and security are all they desire.

Then again, if they wanted a happy, content life, they could just join Amity.

Everytime I think of Amity, I get strangely homesick for a life I never had.

"Hey, Crimson?" I glance over at Fin, and he's turned on his side to face me. 

"Yeah, what's up?"

"Earlier, when I grabbed you, I uh, I just needed to tell you that I didn't like scaring you like that." He thinks for a moment, trying to gather the words. "I know a lot of the things I say make it seem like I like hurting people, and yeah, if they're assholes I like giving them some karma or whatever, but I don't enjoy hurting my friends. I, uh, I don't want you getting the wrong idea or anything." His face is flushed. Is he actually embarrassed? I didn't think that was possible.

"Aren't you the one who told me not to trust anyone?" I'm joking when I say that, but he looks down to the ground.

"Yeah, I am."

I turn over and reach my hand out to his. "Don't worry, Fin, I trust you." 

"But you shouldn't!" He runs his hands through his hair. "God, how can you be this naive?"

"There's a reason I left Erudite." I'm half joking, but honestly, it's kind of true. Intuition, while useful in some cases, was to take a backseat to logic and facts. I suppose that's useful, but it's not how I want to live. Sure, I have a logical reason not to trust Fin, but it's not anything about his character. The fact that he's stronger than me doesn't affect my judgement of what kind of person he is. 

Maybe the fact that he's admitted his violent tendencies multiple times should disturb me. And it does, a little, but not as much as it should. Maybe that says more about me than it does him. But he's shown me nothing but kindness, even if it's wrapped in crass remarks and toothy grins. 

Maybe this is why I belong in Dauntless. It's not just about test results, it's about those you love and enjoy.

"Fin, I trust you." I squeeze his hand.

"Not many people do." He shrugs. "It's nothing personal." He takes it personally.

"But I do. Don't tell me I shouldn't, because I've got intuition on my side." I grin.

He smiles softly at me, no teeth, just his black stained lips. "Is that so?"

The two of us lay like that for a while, listening to the soft hum of the air conditioner and the gentle rhythm of the mop.

0-0-0-0-0

A/N: hiya. I'm finishing this on 11/05/2020, at 1:30 CST. Nevada was supposed to announce their results two and a half hours ago. They haven't. I'm going to fucking die. Help.

As of 3:00 CST it's been delayed until tomorrow. At least I'll stop checking every second.


	11. Chapter 11

A/N: This is a Shuî chapter. Shuî is a sad boy. Abnegation is fucked up. Read with caution. Specifically, disordered eating, non-denominational christian guilt, familial abuse, and self harm. 

Also in this chapter, Shuî doesn't understand colored contacts.

0-0-0-0-0

Shuî's POV

It's been a while since I've chosen to clean. My grandmother always insisted on everything being spotless, and if we couldn't meet her standards fast enough, we'd be punished.

One time, I asked her why she wanted everything to be so pristine if beauty was to be ignored.

I got punished, because no good Abnegation child asks questions. 

I thought that when I came here, I'd never clean again. I could live in a dump for all I care.

Three days of being here, and I can't stand the grime I leave behind. I never understood how much sweat, how much blood, how many tears poured out of me, and it’s laughable to think that I could ever be okay with leaving them for someone else to clean up. I guess old habits die hard.

"So, let me get this straight. You actually want to help clean up? You know this won't give you points, right?" Tobias asks. I know his name is Four now, but it's hard to separate him from the boy in the rumors. Despite Abnegation viewing gossip as self indulgent, women always did it, discussing any and every non-standard action as the knit scarves for the factionless. I, of course, didn't mean to listen as I cleaned the next room over. Of course I didn't. 

"The proper way to end a day is by cleaning after yourself. I'm sure you understand."

"What's that supposed to mean?" 

"I'm sure you've taught other Abnegations before." 

Tobias sighs and hands me the mop. "Yeah, sure, knock yourself out." He goes to get another mop for himself. "Oh, and for the record, you and Tris are the only former Abnegation I've trained."

Oh. Huh. I guess that makes sense. Tobias is the only one I heard gossip about. 

I get to work cleaning the mat. There's a large bloodstain left over from Peter and Edward's fight. I'm surprised no one even tried to clean it up. 

I wonder if Tobias recognizes me. We never spoke, but my family was in the rumor mill for as long as I can remember. Deaths tend to do that. Suicides tend to do that. But beyond all of that, did he ever recognize the way I sat at church, straight up and back refusing to touch the pew? He sat the same way, stiff backed and eyes avoiding everyone.

I want to ask him everything, but I can't. He buried the Abnegation part of him a long time ago, and I don't want to be the one digging up old corpses. 

Perhaps I should have changed my name like he did. My grandmother always ordered me around using my middle name, Adam, since that's what she wanted me to be named in the first place, but most people still called me by my first name. Legal name changes were unnecessary until marriage, so my grandmother wasn't able to force a name change, and I was able to retain a connection to my mother.

I look over at Tobias, and he cleans in the same way I like to. Slow, methodical. It's comforting.

Does he know about the scars on my back? I'm sure everyone in our room has seen them. Even though I shower at different times than everyone, I'm sure they all know. Do they gossip about it? What's there to say? It's all perfectly standard for Abnegation. Asking Crimson to keep quiet about it was kind of pointless, if we're being honest.

Crimson. He was the first person to tell me what I'd been through was wrong. Part of me knew it all along, but hearing it out loud confirmed it.

Crimson. It's strange calling him a he. In Abnegation, you are what you're born as, and any deviation would be selfish. Even forms of self expression like an extra hair cut (or lack of one) are shunned. Even when I first met him, when he helped my sister, I thought he was just a girl. One who was strangely nice for an Erudite, sure, but ultimately just a girl I'd never get to talk to, never get to know. It would be unheard of for an Abnegation to speak to anyone outside of the faction, let alone an Erudite, the faction that's attacking our very way of being.

But Crimson rushed to an Abnegation's aid, without a second though. 

Jiao mentioned how pretty she (he, now that I know) was, which was an odd thing to hear. Sure, she had the same appreciation for beauty that I had, even taking it further and drawing the things she found beautiful despite knowing she'd be punished for it, but I'd never heard her say it about a person.

I didn't give the situation much thought after. The Aptitude Test filled the rest of my brain. The anxiety of where I belonged, which I thought would go away after, soon turned into terror.

I belong in Abnegation.

And Dauntless.

And Amity. 

I'm Divergent. A secret I have to keep for the rest of my life. Into the vault it goes.

The Choosing Ceremony was one of the hardest decisions in my life. I'd have to leave my sister behind. If I stayed, I wouldn't survive. There was too much pressure, like water threatening to fill my lungs. Abnegation was an ocean, and I would drown.

But then I'd have to leave my sister to drown in my place. 

My grandmother always favored Jiao, at least a little. I took the brunt of the punishment, but without me there to act as a scapegoat, what would become of her?

But then I saw Crimson. I still hadn't caught their name, they were just the redhead who helped Jiao. I didn't anticipate their choice being interesting, but something about them captivated my attention and wouldn't let go.

They chose Dauntless.

My decision was made. If they could do it, I could too.

"It's okay, I love you. Now go." Jiao whispered when they called my name.

My blood sizzled on the coals. 

Boarding the train wasn't a challenge for me, at least not in the way that it was for others. It was only natural that I help others.

And that's when I first held Crimson. I still didn't know their name, but that didn't matter. I could get lost in those green eyes, chasing the flecks of grey that dance in the light. 

"Shuî, right?"

I couldn't believe they remembered my name. "Uh, yeah." They stated right back into my eyes, and I looked away. "I never caught yours."

"Oh, uh, Crimson."

I held onto them longer than I probably should have. They pulled away and sat down, and I joined them, breathless.

When they asked for a knife, I handed them my mom's knife. Looking back, I can see why Crimson would find that strange, but for me, it was something I had to take. When Mom died, it was tucked under her mattress. They were going to throw it away, but even at four years old, I knew that it was something precious, something I'd need.

That knife has done a lot of things. Slicing through Crimson's hair is the least violent thing it's ever done.

As Crimson released their abandoned locks, I realized they were like a bird. The arch of their feet as they stood on their tip toes, their legs locked into place, their blue clothes fluttering in the wind, their nose protruding out like a beak. Their touch on the railing is light, fleeting, almost gossamer, like they'll fly away at any moment.

They sat down alongside their brother, and a pang of jealousy attacked my core. They look so different, with Crimson small and warm, and Ash tall and cool, and their personalities match that disparity, but there they were still laughing and talking and smiling. It was nothing like my siblinghood with Jiao. Even though we looked the same, acted the same (as any good Abnegation would do), our relationship was like a candle in a snowstorm. Flickers of laughter here and there, wax smiles that would drip away the moment our grandmother walked in.

If Jiao is like a candle, then Crimson is like the sun. From the first time he hugged me, tears hot against my shirt, fingers splayed against my chest, real and grounded, nothing like his touch on the train's railing. The tips oozed warmth into my skin, absorbing into my veins and passing into my heart, causing it to beat in ways it never had before. I wanted to preserve that moment in time, the first time I'd felt alive. I want him to touch me more. Every casual touch of the arm, every last little glance, I want more, more, more. Crimson's warmth radiates off of him, growing those around them, and I can't get enough.

If Crimson is the sun, that makes Ash the moon. Cold and distant, but beautiful at the same time. As a young child, I often looked to the sky, wondering what it would be like to go to the moon. I knew facts about it, like it had no air and low gravity, but I'd never get to experience that. Yet somehow, everytime Ash speaks to me, I feel weightless, like I'm gliding through the air, like I'm finally important. Ash is like a distilled droplet of the moon, pure and icy and brilliant. 

I've heard many myths about the sun and moon. They were as gods, chasing each other through the sky like children playing tag. Polar opposites yet intrinsically linked.

I guess in this metaphor, I am the Earth, moving in harmony yet unable to reach them, locked in an orbit. They affect me greatly, Crimson allowing the fruits of my heart to sprout and grow, Ash allowing the tide of my mind to ebb and flow, and yet there's no way my presence could ever change them. I am the Earth, threatening to drown in my own oceans, soon to turn to ruin.

The bloodstain is gone. I look around, and I've managed to clean the entire room. Guess I got too much in my head.

Four tells me to go get dinner, but I don't. I'm hungry, sure, but I ate enough at lunch. To eat in excess is to weigh in excess, and to weigh in excess is to live in excess, and to live in excess is sin. I don't need to eat, so I don't.

As I walk, I notice the light reflecting on the floor between people's feet. I look up, and rain is spilling onto the glass building above. I stand there, mesmerized for days, weeks, years. 

And then I feel Crimson's touch, warm and loving. "Hey, man, where were you?"

"Look up, Crimson."

He stands there with me for decades, centuries, eons as we let the beauty wash over us.

"Back in Abnegation, we were taught to ignore the beauty around us. It's simply a distraction from what's important. Here, I can take the time to notice things like that." I look down at him, and I realize that Jiao was right. Crimson is beautiful, his eyes wide and green and soaking in everything around him. 

And then Fin shows up.

Fin is… I'm not sure how I feel about him. He's loud and confident and everything that Abnegation opposes, yet he's everything I want to be. He's like a wildfire, unbridled passion and destruction in his wake. He's threatening to burn the broken, the mangled, the dead parts of me, charring them to ashes in which a new me can grow. He challenges me, not out of hate or spite, or even in any conscious way, but everything he says or does directly contradicts my upbringing, and now that I'm in his territory, I have to adapt fast or be burnt away. 

He's wild. He's reckless. He's untamed.

And he's attacking Crimson.

I barely remember entering the room or grabbing the boxing wraps, but when I leave the closet, all I see is Fin grabbing onto him, and my body springs into action before I can even think. 

It takes a moment for Crimson's words to register with me. Christ, I misread the situation. But Fin is proud of me for my strength, which doesn't quite sit right with me. I wasn't brave either, just doing the right thing. 

Still, he trains us, and by the end, I'm exhausted. But Crimson and Fin don't seem to be too interested in cleaning, so I do it myself. This room's easier, there's no blood, just sweat and footprints. 

I watch the two of them lay next to each other, hands clasped, no words, just understanding. My body craves that kind of comfort, to be able to lay with someone and just understand. I want to feel the differences in their hands, Crimson's small and soft, Fin's rough and calloused. 

But here I stand, cleaning up our mess.

0-0-0-0-0

Crimson leaves to go shower right before I'm done cleaning. I intend to go back to the dorm and try to relax, but Fin stops me, clapping his hand on my shoulder and squeezing.

"Did you eat dinner yet?" He asks, eyes boring into me. 

Part of me wants to say yes just to get him off my back, but I know he's not going to fall for that. While he may act like a Dauntless hellion, I can see in his eyes that there's so much more going on in his mind than most realize. I was wrong in that he's a wildfire. He's a controlled burn, still destructive and bright, but on a clear path. 

"I had plenty at lunch." 

"Bullshit. Your stomach's growling." He raises an eyebrow, daring me to lie again. But it wasn't a lie, not really. It's the same amount I ate back in Abnegation, if not more. 

I shrug a little, hoping to knock his hand off my shoulder. He doesn't budge. Not that I'd expect him to. "To eat in excess is to weigh in excess." 

"Shuî. Buddy. In order to succeed here in Dauntless, you need to get strong. And sure, you can throw a punch, but I saw the way you trained, and you ran out of steam fast. Do you even know what calories are?"

"I took Nutrition, yeah."

He sighs frustratedly. "Then if you aren't a moron, and I know you're not, you should know you need more if you do active work."

"Infinity, I-"

"Stop calling me by my full name, it sounds weird. Now come on, we're getting dinner."

And so, he marches me down to the Canteen. He never takes his hands off my shoulder, but he eases his grip a little. I don't even bother protesting, and not just because of the futility of it, but the pit in my stomach is rapidly expanding. 

"Yo, Rex!" Fin finally takes his hand off of me to wave. He starts to walk over to one of the sparsely populated (it makes sense, since we're here long after when initiates eat) long tables, towards a short young man with jet black hair. I consider just going back to the dorms, but no, I can't make it if I don't take care of myself. 

Rex is definitely a model Dauntless member, with three eyebrow rings and holes in his ears that I could fit at least two fingers through. Piercings don't shock me like they did a couple days ago, but I still can't imagine willingly pushing needles through my skin. "What are you doing here this late, dude?" He asks as Fin sits down.

Fin claps his hand back on my shoulder. "Got so caught up in training this one that I worked up an appetite." He flashes his signature grin, and I still can't believe how sharp his incisors are. "Oh yeah, this is Shuî. Shuî, this is Rex, my best friend and one of the best tattoo artists in Dauntless."

"Shut the fuck up, you know you're just gassing me up." He rolls his eyes and turns to me, extending his hand. "Nice to meet you, man."

I'm still not entirely comfortable with handshakes. In Abnegation, we simply bowed our heads to each other from a respectable distance. But I shake his hand anyway, because I'm not in Abnegation anymore.

It's funny, I've quickly adapted to being touched by others, but actively reaching out to someone is still strange to me. I hope I get over that, since from the all the physical affection I've gotten since joining Dauntless, I'd love to be able to return the favor.

I grab a hamburger, hoping Rex didn't notice my discomfort. If he did, he doesn't say anything. 

"So, Fin, I hear training's going well." Rex says.

"Oh, yeah, it's going great. Everyone's kicking ass, especially Marlene and Uriah. Mar actually knocked Jed out with a single kick earlier." Fin launches into an exaggerated tale, and I try to latch on, but I don't know a single person he's talking about. Once I lose track, I'm lost.

I try to eat some of my food. It's more flavorful than anything I had back in Abnegation, which makes me all the more guilty. Most of the food I cooked went to the Factionless, and even then, I had to focus on nutrition above flavor. I'll no longer have to make cabbage soup every night in the winter. It warms the body, sure, but it drains the soul. It's supposed to have garlic in it to at least brighten it up, but any time I used it, my grandmother would accuse me of poisoning her.

There's at least a couple marks on my back because of that. I couldn't tell you which ones. 

Someone snaps in my face. "Shuî. Rex asked you a question."

I blink. "Oh, sorry."

"Fin, you don't have to be a jackass all the time. We all know you're a big softie." Rex smirks a little, then turns to me. "So, I saw you come into the shop a couple days ago. What tattoo did you get?"

"Oh, uh." It's personal to me. Even though it's permanently marked on my skin, it's strange to talk about my family. 

"Trust me, I'm not going to laugh at you or anything." His smirk softens into a slight smile. "I've had to tattoo so many naked portraits of people's crushes. I never want to see a naked person again."

"You never wanted to see anyone naked in the first place." Fin snorts.

"Point is, if I didn't hear any gossip about it, it's not going to be embarrassing." He shrugs.

I clear my throat. "I, uh, got my sister's name. I figured if I had to leave her in Abnegation, I could at least bring a piece of her with me." Saying it out loud makes it sound too sentimental. My face flushes red. That's not a Dauntless kind of tattoo at all.

"Aww, that's so sweet!" Fin laughs.

"Holy condensation, Mr. Vigilante." Rex snorts.

"Oh, fuck, that came out wrong." Fin shakes his head. His blue curls are so thick, but the stubble on his chin betrays his true hair color, a deep brown. "I really do think that's sweet. What's her name?"

"Jiao." 

"Nice. Think she'll be joining us whenever she chooses?" 

It's actually kind of funny imagining Jiao here in Dauntless. She's sweet and uncoordinated, and even her rebellious streak was shown in forms of creativity rather than destruction, a pen to her skin rather than a knife.

"She's planning on joining Amity, actually."

She's told me that many times before, in the brief times between when we got home from school and when I'd have to go get our grandmother from her "volunteer quilting group." She dreamt of the sun on her skin, dancing in a red dress instead of kneeling in a grey one. I suppose I've had that dream, a dream of an easy life, but I don't think I'd be able to live with myself if I wasn't contributing to the greater good. I want to dance, to play, to laugh, but any time I slack off, the guilt gets to me. 

Rex's face seems neutral at first, but I can sense there's something under it. Annoyance? I imagine suddenly having your meal interrupted would be bothersome. Maybe I should leave. 

"Finny!" A tall woman with blonde hair and an eye-catching blue bracelet yells as she tackles Fin into a hug. She plants a multitude of kisses on his head, giggling wildly.

"Hey, Marona. How you doing, man?"

Man? Oh, uh, oops. I assumed from his figure (curvy, as Abnegation women said about those who were more generously proportioned than themselves.) that he was a woman. I guess he's like Crimson, which I still don't really get, but whatever makes him happy. 

"I'm doing great!" He turns to me, his eyes a bluer color than I've ever seen in my life. "Hey, you're Shuî, aren't you?"

"Oh, uh, yeah?"

She grins. "Oh my God, you're the cutest thing! I mean, I know Fin doesn't lie about that kind of thing, but oh my God! I didn't know anything as cute as you could even come from Abnegation."

My face heats up from embarrassment. I'm not even-

"You may want to cool it a bit, Mar." Fin laughs. "He's not used to the way people like us show affection." 

"Yeah, you wouldn't want to scare him off before he even gets to the second stage." A severe looking woman with half shaved black hair sits down next to Rex, across from me. She looks me up and down, and he eyes are red. Not just a light orangish brown, but straight up red. 

"Oh, shut up, May." Marona sticks his tongue out at her and climbs up onto Fin's lap, and-

You know what? I've already seen Fin make out with someone once, I don't need to see it again. Besides, I've already eaten enough. 

"You guys are so disgusting." Rex shakes his head as he gets up, disappointed. 

"This is why we don't like it when you sit with us, Fin. You two are a black hole of horniness." May's just absolutely disgusted. Honestly, I completely understand.

"'Kay." 

I get up and throw away my tray, and when I turn around, May's right there. "Yo, you heading back to your dorm?"

"Oh, uh, yeah?"

"Good. I'll walk with you. I need to talk to you?"

I gulp a little. She's not smiling, and she's three inches taller than me (though, the platform boots are certainly contributing.), and despite her eyes being red, her stare is as cold as ice.

"Oh, uh, okay."

As we walk out, we pass Rex. "May, what are you doing?"

"Come on, don't you want to know what the hell Fin sees in this little Stiff?"

"Fair enough."

As we cross the Chasm, they're at my sides, and a part of me's worried that May's going to shove me over the side. I never saw Christina dangle from the railing, but I can picture myself in her place.

We cross the Chasm without incident.

"So, are you sucking his dick or something?" May asks we enter the hallway that leads to my dorm.

My eyes widen, and my legs stop moving. "No!" My face heats up. "I mean, uh, I'm not-"

But am I?

May scoffs. "Come on, you're a fucking Stiff. How else could someone as shallow as Fin be interested in you?"

Interested? Is he just my friend because he wants to-

"Geez, May, going straight for the jugular, huh?" Rex leans against the wall, picking at his cuticles. 

"I mean, there's got to be a reason, right?"

Rex shrugs. "Fin has weird tastes."

"He's already got that with Crimson. At least he has an interesting face to balance out his meekness." She glances me up and down. "The Stiff's both meek and plain."

I don't understand why she's being so hostile. She just met me, and I'm not threatening her.

"Yo." Someone's hand presses against the wall above me. I glance up. Ash. "These guys bothering you?"

Before I can even stammer out a reply, May laughs. "You even need someone to come save you! Man, Stiff, Fin's going to drop you in like a week."

"You know, for someone who calls herself Fin's friend, you don't seem to have a very high opinion of him." Ash smirks.

May snarls a bit. "Shuî has a voice, let him come up with his own insults." She turns on her heel and starts away. "Oh, and I'm not a girl."

Rex stands up straight. "Don't worry, she's like this with everyone." And then he's gone too.

I finally let out the breath I didn't realize I was holding. I look back up at Ash, and the tension seems to be gone from his body. "Thank you."

"She's got a point. I'm sure Stiff's have some choice words they use." He stands up fully. "I'm not always going to be here to help you out, you know."

I sigh. "Yeah."

"Anyway, I was heading up to smoke. Want to join?" He shrugs.

"You smoke?"

"Yeah." He says, like it's not a big deal. Like it's not one of the vainest things you can do.

"Oh, I was just going to shower and turn in for the night." 

"Fair enough." Ash shrugs. He starts to walk past me, then stops. "Oh, and don't tell Crimson, okay? I don't need him worrying over me more than he already does. This'll be our secret, okay?"

"I won't tell him."

"Good." He chuckled his low chuckle. "Have a good night, Shuî."

And as he walks away, it feels like I'm missing out on something. Maybe I should go with him, but I'm already so tired. Still, his presence gives me so much energy, like lightning running through my veins.

Maybe I am gay.


End file.
